Fear and worry are normal parts of life. These emotions can help us stay alert, protect us from danger, and even motivate us to do what is necessary. However, when we give fear control of our lives and behavior, we lose our agency. Instead of making choices based on thoughtful consideration of our needs and values, fear can force us into poor decisions based on limited information and knee-jerk reactions.

Of course, there are good reasons for this. Fear is at its best when we need to react quickly to a risky situation; if a car is about to hit you, for example, it is far more useful to make a snap decision to jump out of the way than to take the time to consider the best direction to leap. However, because fear is reactive, not proactive, that makes it an ineffective motivator when we must make choices oriented toward a goal other than mere survival. Plus, it is simply uncomfortable to live in constant fear; there are other emotions and motivators that do not require the strain and resources of fear.

Mastering Fear

So, if fear is a survival emotion, how do we allow it to move us when necessary without giving it full dominion over our lives? The answer is mastery. When we have mastery over fear, instead of giving it mastery over us, we have the freedom to listen to the voice of fear when it matters while also discerning when we ought to set fear aside.

This does not mean getting rid of fear but rather finding ways to feel and accept fear without giving it control. There are a few ways we can achieve this sense of mastery. One of the most common methods is mindfulness—seeking greater awareness and intentional engagement with our bodies and environment so we can more effectively regulate and moderate our experience of emotion. Meditation is probably the best-known technique here. Cognitive-behavioral therapy might use these techniques too but is more concerned with altering our beliefs and assumptions to prevent unhelpful responses.

De-Identifying with Fear

In my work with clients, I often implement mindfulness exercises or help clients challenge fear-based beliefs. However, most often, I help clients achieve mastery over fear by assisting them in de-identifying with their fear.

The easiest way fear gains control over our decisions is by allowing us to believe that we are the fear. When the voice of fear convinces us that it is simply our voice or that it is necessary for our functioning, we lose the ability to set fear aside when we need to. Other motivators like love or joy become secondary to fear or exceptions to the rule, making us feel as though anxious discomfort ought to be our default emotional state. To break this belief, we have to stop identifying with fear and allow it to become one of a range of equally valuable emotions again.

The Power of Narrative Therapy

When I work with my clients to stop identifying with fear, we are engaging in narrative therapy. That means that we are exploring what stories a client tells themselves about their life and identity and exploring ways to rewrite that story to be more empowering and in line with their values.

So, when someone tells themselves that fear is their defining emotion, we want to help them change that narrative so that they gain power over fear, not the other way around. There are several techniques for accomplishing this, but my favorite is the empty chair technique.

The Empty Chair Technique

The empty chair technique involves the client sitting by an empty seat and imagining that seat is occupied by someone. This “person” in the chair is traditionally someone with whom the client wants to roleplay a conversation. In our case, however, we want to have that conversation with a part of the client themselves.

I tell my clients to imagine that the fearful part of their minds has stepped out of their body and sat in front of them. Then, I prompt my clients to engage with this fearful version of themselves by encouraging them to ask that part what it wants, argue with it, or even offer it comfort. By visualizing this, we force ourselves to distinguish the parts of our feelings that are fear-based, and we become free to speak from whatever else is in our minds. This is the essential ingredient for de-identification; by speaking to our fear instead of from our fear, we realize that fear does not define us.

How to Try the Empty Chair Exercise Yourself

Generally, the empty chair technique gives its best results with the help of a therapist, but there is no harm in trying it on your own. In case you are interested, here are some basic instructions and questions for you to use when attempting your own de-identification with fear.

1. Set up two chairs facing each other and sit yourself in one.
2. Imagine a version of yourself made up of all your fear and anxiety that steps out of your body and sits in the other chair, leaving behind only the parts of you that are not fearful.
3. Take the time to imagine what your fear-self looks like.
   – How do they sit in their chair?
   – What clothes are they wearing?
   – What do they do with their hands?
4. At the same time, notice these details in yourself, the fearless version.
   – What do your thoughts sound like if fear steps aside?
   – What other emotions do you notice?
5. Begin a conversation with your fear-self.
   – What would your fear-self want to say to you first?
   – What are they afraid of?
   – What do they need?
   – How do they try to get control of your life?
6. Imagine you met someone like your fear-self—how would you try to take care of that person?

As you ask yourself these questions, feel free to pursue the conversation wherever you want it to go. The important thing here is that you are taking the time to get to know this fearful part of you while becoming more comfortable speaking as the rest of yourself.

Reach Out

When we engage in this exercise to de-identify with fear, we often find that fear feels less urgent. Furthermore, we learn more about what we need—not just what fear tells us we must do in the moment—and this can empower us to address our feelings in a more substantial manner.

We are not dismissing or avoiding fear but instead giving it an appropriate role in our lives and amount of our attention. In this way, we go beyond merely coping with fear; instead, we can ask how fear can serve us.

If you would like help taking control of your life back from fear, please do not hesitate to reach out to a mental health professional. We would be more than happy to help you find that greater sense of self-mastery. You can always fill out our intake form if you would like to schedule a first session with someone.