We all know that anxiety is at an all time high. What was there before the pandemic exploded in a world of fear and uncertainty where danger was everywhere and hidden all at once.

Anxiety is grounded in fear. Our body is designed to perceive danger, real or not. We are vulnerable as humans, and part of our design is to be able to detect threats in order to protect ourselves. But our body doesn’t always know the difference between perceived vs. real danger, and our body’s fight, flight, or freeze response isn’t as helpful against the dangers of the modern world as it was when there were real predators. In addition, our life story, our trauma, our personalities and temperament adds another layer of complexity to what we perceive as a threat.

Shame is also everywhere. This one is less talked about but I promise you just as present, if not more so. That is part of what is so toxic about shame. The shame itself makes us isolated from others and it isolates us inside of ourselves, spiraling us inward and feeding us lies. It tells us that we are not good enough, a failure, not loveable, slowly crushing us to withdraw or attack to defend ourselves. We don’t have nearly the statistics about shame as we do anxiety, but I think many of us resonate with the lies it tells and that sinking feeling inside.

The dance of anxiety and shame: What is it

What’s worse is anxiety and shame like doing a little dance with each other. Who leads and who follows can change, but they keep each other spinning inside ourselves. Let’s take a look.

It seems like we are back to the place of having so much on our plate and doing all of the things after the pandemic. We are crushing under the weight of our responsibilities and the pace of life, maybe not having learned one of the lessons the pandemic offered us, the goodness in the slowness. We do our best to keep everything afloat, but inevitably we stress and worry about doing everything. Not only do we have the pressure of having to do everything, but also the pressure that if we don’t, it will all fall apart (before or after we ourselves fall apart). But having control feels a lot safer after not having control for a couple of years.

However, deep down, we also know we can’t do it all and we are afraid of the what ifs, of our lives falling apart from a job loss, a real loss, or even the loss of a dream. There’s the anxiety, the fear of what would happen if we don’t keep it all together, the fear of not being able to do it all, the fear of real loss or the unknown that might destroy us. Many times what happens in this place, when we have put it on ourselves to do and be everything, shame creeps in. It’s there when we mess up, we miss something, we can’t do it all, or when someone is disappointed or mad when we don’t have it all together. We beat ourselves up for not being good enough, for failing. And then the shame makes the anxiety worse, because when we believe we are not good enough, we are faced with the fact that we really can’t do it all and are not in control.

Or maybe you don’t have a million responsibilities, but the expectations that you should have and the “what are you doing with your life” are just as crushing. Shame might be a little louder here to start. The lies that you are not good enough, that you are a failure are louder. You may even hear them from others which just makes the shame more real. So when you feel like nothing, the fear of what your life will be and the fear of failure kicks in. And it is so much bigger when your confidence is at an all time low. If you don’t believe you can do anything, the fear can literally paralyze you, perpetuating the cycle.

The dance of anxiety and shame: What do we do about it

These are just two examples, but they show how fear and shame dance together and create a real spiral that is so hard to get out of. Unfortunately, I don’t think we can escape these emotions. They both speak to a reality. As humans in this world, bad things happen and we are vulnerable to them. Also, we are not perfect and we make mistakes. We cannot escape these two realities or these two emotions.

But what if the point was not to escape, but to comfort and connect.

Bad things will happen to us. We have no control over that. But what soothed us as children when we were scared? A parent sitting with us, holding us, and reassuring us that it was going to be ok. As adults, we know they couldn’t actually promise that the situation was going to work out all of the time. But it was all going to be ok not because the circumstance changed, but because we were not alone in it anymore. That’s what we really need to know in fear. We’re not alone. That we have someone that will be with us. That is the comfort we can offer to one another in fear and anxiety, and the connection that can come with it.

Further, that presence is exactly what shame needs as well. When someone comes alongside us in empathy, we are comforted that it’s normal to make mistakes and that we all have our limitations. In that comfort and connection, we feel loved, which casts out the ultimate lie shame feeds us, that we are unloveable. When we are loved in our imperfections, it’s ok for us to be our imperfect selves.

A Christian Perspective

In the Christian faith, God can comfort us in our fear and our shame if we let Him in. In Isaiah 41:10, we are reminded that God’s presence is a source of comfort in fear, “So do not fear, for I am with you.” God comforts us as a father comforts his child. Moreover, His presence and comfort affirm His love for us, casting out the shame. We can rest in the arms of our Father who loves us and has all things under His control.

We can all reduce our shame and anxiety by opening ourselves to connect and receive comfort from others. We all need to be reminded that we are loved and it’s going to be ok, together. Know that healing is possible and get started with a therapist today.