In Part I, we discussed a middle way to navigate our emotions- not deny them or give them full control- but connect with them. Emotions are cues to what is going on inside of us, so the best thing we can do is be curious about what they are trying to tell us and listen. Emotions are all about connection. We are going to dig in more to how they allow us to connect with ourselves, others, and even God.

Connection to Ourselves

The act of being curious about our emotions leads us to connect with what is going on underneath the surface inside ourselves. When we feel anger, we can be curious about what feels unfair, such as an injustice we see in the world or towards us. When we feel fear, we can listen to what feels dangerous, whether real or perceived. Emotions give us a peek into our experience of the world, what we care about, what is important to us, and also our story.

Emotions are deeply connected to our life experiences. When we are curious about our emotions, especially when we feel them strongly, we can track how an emotion is connected to an early memory or ongoing issue or a hurt. For example, I might feel sad when a friend moves, but the sadness may feel stronger than the situation warrants if I have experienced a lot of loss throughout my life. We can often shame ourselves when we think our emotion doesn’t make sense, we shouldn’t feel that way, or we feel it too strongly. But this is an opportunity to be curious and ask questions like: Why do I feel this way? When have I felt this way before? When have I felt this way before? If this feels too hard to do on your own, having a therapist guide you through this can be very helpful.

You might ask, then what? I know what I’m feeling and why but will that make it better? In Atlas of the Heart, an encyclopedia of emotions, Brene Brown affirms that “In fact, research shows that the process of labeling emotional experience is related to greater emotion regulation and psychosocial well-being.” When we see and understand our emotions, that is the ultimate validation. We all know that when someone else validates our emotions, it makes a huge difference (more on that later). We essentially say to our emotions, “I get it, that makes sense, YOU make sense.”

We often think about emotions as something that we need to fix. But emotions ultimately need presence. Sometimes when we understand an emotion, it does lead to action or a next step. We need to talk to that person that disrespected us or do the thing that feels scary. However, what they need first and foremost is connection and comfort. The first thing we can do when we feel an emotion, is offer our own presence. Practically, this can look like just sitting with the emotion and taking deep breathes or letting ourselves cry it out. It also can look like engaging in an activity like journaling, drawing, walking, or listening to music that gives you a space to feel and be with your emotions.

Connection to Others

Comforting our emotions ourselves can make more sense when we consider the soothing balm of someone else’s presence when we are in our emotions. I hope we all know the healing experience of sitting with a friend and sharing how we are feeling and receiving their comfort. We also may have the experience of being honest with our emotions with someone else and feeling invalidated, not heard, or like a problem they have to fix. What is the difference in those interactions? In the second, we get direct or indirect messages that what we are feeling is wrong, doesn’t make sense, or that we shouldn’t feel that way. This can range from being told “stop crying” to “it’s not that bad” to “you’re being ridiculous.”

What we get in the first experience, what we want from someone else is, “I get it”, “that sounds so hard,” or “tell me more.” It might not be words at all either, just someone sitting with us, crying with us, giving us a hug. While it doesn’t necessarily fix the situation that prompted the emotion, not being alone in our emotion and our experience makes all the difference. Further, once we have received comfort from someone else, we are much more ready to move forward and do what is needed.

We are often not great at doing this for others- we don’t want them to feel sad or worried, so we say things to fix it, make it go away. But we consciously or unconsciously invalidate their experience by doing this. Remember, don’t fix, be with. Ironically, the more we can do this with ourselves and be comfortable with our emotions, the more we can do this for others. Further, if you are good at connecting with others in their emotions, you can apply this to yourself and practice offering yourself the comfort that you give to others.

Connection to God

A final opportunity of connection with emotions is to God. God wants us to go to Him with our emotions. The Bible is a love story of God coming after us, wanting to be in relationship with us. He already knows what we are feeling, so we might as well talk to Him about it. The Psalms are a great example of God’s people going to God in their emotion, even when the emotion is directed at God. David cried out in anger and sadness in Psalm 22, “God, God . . . my God! Why did you dump me miles from nowhere? Doubled up with pain, I call to God all the day long.” He has no shame going to God, and God meets him there.

Jesus was an example of God in the flesh being with people in their emotions. My favorite example of this is with Mary and Martha after their brother Lazarus dies, before Jesus raises him from the dead in John 11. Jesus meets Martha in her anger that her brother wouldn’t have died if Jesus had been there. Jesus doesn’t tell her off, but actually validates it because it reveals her faith that He is the resurrection and the life. Then when Mary approaches Jesus in tears, Jesus doesn’t tell her not to cry or raise Lazarus right away to stop the tears. He cries with her, knowing that she will be with her brother in a minute. He is with her in her grief, gives honor to her feelings.

We can go to God in our emotions, “casting all your cares on him, because he cares about you” 1 Peter 5:7. This not only helps us process our emotions, but also deepens our connection with God and we let Him to our vulnerable parts.

Emotions are all about connection. Connection to ourselves, connection to others, and connection to God. I hope this helps us see emotions less as enemies and more as friends, little parts of ourselves that need to be seen and listened to. When we focus on curiosity, connection, and comfort, they can add meaning and depth to our lives and this crazy world.