Squirrel Alert

My grandmother grew up farming down south, and when she moved to the city, she continued her bond with the earth through gardening. She would grow all sorts of things in her back yard: pole beans, collard greens, turnip greens, cucumbers, tomatoes, bell peppers, and my feelings of excitement with how she would cook them!

One year in particular, my grandmother noticed that she wasn’t the only one picking her vegetables. The squirrels really loved her tomatoes. They were big, red, juicy, and just out there in the open, so why not? There’s nothing wrong with squirrels getting their needs met, right? They’re just hungry. They need food. So they should just take it, right? That is absolutely one way of seeing this. Another way of looking at this is that the reason my grandmother grew these tomatoes was to eat them herself and share them however she wanted to. She decided that she didn’t want the squirrels eating her tomatoes, because they were hindering their growth. When my grandmother realized this, she set a boundary.

She bought a little gate to cover her tomatoes. By doing this, she set a boundary to protect her tomato’s growth. Boundaries can be considered as gates that protect what you value, so that whatever it is can flourish as best as possible. What are the different gardens that you would like to protect growth in so they can flourish? Let’s take a look at some core “gardens” you get to protect for the sake of personal wholeness.

What are Your Gardens?

There are different “gardens” of life we have as human beings that we can cultivate, which include spiritual, emotional, mental, physical, social, financial, and sexual gardens. What is great is that you get to choose what you allow in, and what you allow to come outside of each of these gardens. The core principle is that you get to have power over yourself in these areas. For example, you get to decide if you have a spiritual practice. If you choose one, you get to choose how you practice spiritually. Whether it is through organized religion, connection with nature, the universe, or whatever you choose. It is your choice. It is also your choice if you choose not to have a spiritual practice.

The same principle applies emotionally, mentally, socially, sexually, financially, and physically. How do you feel about physical touch? What do you do in response to your feelings and emotions? What sorts of social interactions feel nourishing? Which ones don’t? How do you want to go about creating healthy sexual connections? How do you want to use your finances?  What kinds of foods do you want to eat? What sorts of food don’t you want to eat? Physical boundaries could look something like “In order to feel more relaxed, I don’t eat after 8pm,” or social boundaries could look like “To engage in this conversation well, I shake people’s hands because I don’t like hugs from people I don’t know.” Notice how in each of these statements, there was a goal to connect to yourself and others healthily on your terms? That’s the beauty of boundaries. They empower us to show up as best we can, while also empowering us to honor our humanity, which leads me to the next point: control.

What Boundaries Are Not

Remember the tomato plants? There is something I invite you to take a closer look at here. My grandmother did not try to control the squirrels. She accepted that the squirrels were in complete control of themselves, making choices that she did not like, and she exercised power over her garden. Not the squirrel.

The core of boundaries is control over self. Setting boundaries is increasing awareness of power over oneself, and using it to control yourself to meet your needs, instead of trying to control or manipulate others into meeting your needs. Setting boundaries also involves accepting that other people only have power over themselves, which means that they can make choices that you like or don’t like. In my grandmother’s garden, for example, instead of trying to control the squirrel (e.g. waiting for the squirrel to chase it away, or try to catch it and place it in a cage), she took the power she had over herself and protected her tomato plants with a boundary.

The squirrels absolutely have the choice of coming back to her garden and trying to take her tomatoes. And as they made that choice, she made a choice that protects her plants despite the squirrels’ choices. In our interpersonal lives, we get to accept that people can make choices, just like us, and that we get to protect ourselves when harmful choices are made. We also get to open ourselves up when people make choices that we accept for love and support. The squirrels were meeting their needs at my grandmother’s expense, which is why she needed to install the gate. Boundaries empower you to meet your needs while respecting yourself. Boundaries also honor that you are not responsible for meeting other people’s needs that they are capable of doing for themselves. Neither are they, for you.

Something else that is important here, is that she did not build a box around her tomatoes. That would have kept them from getting sunlight, air, and water, which is what they need to grow. If she placed a box over them, that would be more of a wall than a boundary. A box would keep the squirrels out, for sure! But the tomatoes would also be missing out on the useful ingredients for growth. Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend in their book “Boundaries” illustrate this distinction pretty well. Boundaries are not walls, but gates. They let things both in and out, instead of keeping everything out. As they mention in their book, the point of boundaries is to let healthy things in, and unhealthy things out.

What if you have thoughts and feelings that you are powerless over yourself though? Let’s talk about it.

Learned Helplessness

In Bisser Van Der Kolk’s, “The Body Keeps the Score,” he shares a study of lab rats giving up on trying to escape a controlled area over a period of time. Essentially, when the rats tried to escape, they received an electric shock. Over time, when there was no presence of electric shock, with the gate wide open, the lab rats resorted to not trying. It can be said that the rats felt powerless over themselves to escape. At one point, that was the reality. They were powerless over themselves to escape. And continued to believe that they were even when there was no electric shock present.

Reclamation!

What has been the “electric shock” for you as a child? As an adult? Could it have been inescapable neglect or abuse? What are some of the small ways you can begin to reclaim power over yourself? Spiritually? Emotionally? Physically? Mentally? Socially? Sexually? Financially? To let the healthy stuff in and the unhealthy stuff out of those gardens for yourself? What boundaries would you like to begin to set for yourself, to protect and cultivate your growth today? I invite you to consider one small way you can do this. And if you do, congratulations! You just set a boundary. You deserve to embody wholeness. And if you decide to share tomatoes from your spiritual, emotional, mental, physical, social, sexual, or financial gardens, it just may be fulfilling when you feel power over yourself!  I invite you to reclaim, cultivate, and protect your inner territory with boundaries, so you may share your life with others as you choose, on your terms.