While we all would like to have limitless lives, part of being human is that we have limits. In order to remain healthy, we need to be aware of our needs and create boundaries for ourselves around these needs. When it comes to mental health, a boundary is an invisible line we set to protect our well-being, autonomy, and values.

Types Of Boundaries

Boundaries come in many different shapes and sizes, and understanding what type we need can help us in each situation we face. According to clinical social worker and relationship therapist Nedra Glover Tawwab, there are six categories of boundaries we use, including:

• Physical: personal space and physical touch
• Emotional: feelings
• Intellectual: thoughts and ideas
• Sexual: how and with whom you express your sexuality
• Material: money and possessions
• Time: how time and energy are spent

The amount and what category of boundaries depends on your needs and situation. It’s not uncommon that multiple boundaries need to be set in the same circumstance. Along with this, the length of time the boundary needs to be in place is also up to you and the specific situation.

Setting Boundaries

Boundary setting can be a sticky skill to master, and can sometimes come with conversation, confrontation, and conflict. Along with this, sometimes we set boundaries that are too rigid or porous. For example, caving into other’s opinions all the time is an example of a porous intellectual boundary, but insisting your opinions are always right is an example of a rigid intellectual boundary. Perhaps a healthy intellectual boundary is listening and respecting others’ perspectives while standing up for your own.

Ultimately, your boundaries are yours and yours alone. They are yours to decide, yours to communicate, and yours to enforce. The first step in setting a boundary is deciding which category you need and what change needs to be made in the situation or environment for you to feel safe and healthy. As an example, if you’re noticing that a friend is routinely taking up extra time that you do not have to give, you decide a time boundary needs to be created.

The second step is communication. Clearly communicate what the boundary is and how you would like it to be enforced. To continue with our example above, you express to your friend that while you enjoy the time you spend with them, you can only give them an hour of your time each week rather than two. Part of this step is being open to feedback and conversation, maybe even conflict. If you’ve struggled to set boundaries in the past, when you begin to set them you might find there are people in your life who’ve been thriving off your lack of boundaries. Just because someone has a poor response doesn’t mean your boundary is unhealthy or wrong, and depending on the relationship and the trust that’s been established, conversation and conflict is normal.

Boundary VS. Avoidance

One of the beautiful things about the social and connected world we live in is also one of the downfalls, which is how certain mental health concepts can get twisted out of their original purpose. Boundaries is one of these concepts. Boundaries are not meant to punish or push away others or avoid hard things. Boundaries are meant to keep you healthy.

Part of being healthy is being challenged, and it’s not healthy to claim you’re setting a boundary to avoid feeling or experiencing hard or uncomfortable things. Sometimes, the hard or uncomfortable things are the ones that grow us for the better. Just like exercise, if you never challenge yourself, you never grow — it’s the same for muscles as it is for mental health. A boundary is an opportunity to live within your means and not extend past your breaking point, and when used this way, it can be a wonderful tool toward our health and healing.

If this is an area in your life you feel you need support in, that’s okay! A therapist could be the partner and patient listener you need to help plan out a path to deeper healing and freedom. Therapy is for everyone, and it only takes one step: showing up. Take that first step today, and see if one of our therapists would be a great fit for you!