Vulnerability

Brené Brown is a researcher and storyteller who studies courage, vulnerability, shame, and empathy. Back in 2012, Brené Brown went viral for her Ted Talk about vulnerability, and her following Ted Talk about shame was her way to further the conversation. During one section of her Ted Talk on shame, she mentioned a book signing where she had a conversation with a man as she signed his book. During the conversation, the man asked if Brené studied shame in men. When she shared that she didn’t, the man proceeded to explain to her that his wife and daughters, whose books she signed, would much rather see him die than to fall off of his “white horse.” After that conversation, Brené later studied how shame manifests differently depending on a person’s gender, and focused on men and women. When studying men, her studies confirmed the connection between shame and being perceived as weak. If you are a man reading this, does any of it hit close to home?

Shame

The difference between shame and guilt are the core messages. Shame’s message is “Something is wrong with me,” and guilt’s message is “something is wrong with what I did.” Shame is rooted in identity, and guilt is rooted in action outside of identity. If there are feelings of guilt around something that happened, then action can be taken to resolve the issue. But if there are feelings of shame as a result of what happened, a common attempt towards a solution for one’s “wrong” identity can be aiming for perfectionism. Someone who is “perfect,” in this sense, would have no needs. If the message is “something is wrong with me,” which is one extreme, then a polar opposite extreme “I need to fix myself” can arise as a potential thought. One major way that this can manifest is through pushing aside the need for emotional support. For some men, this could sound like “thugging it out.” For other men, it could sound like “pushing through.” Still for others, it could sound like saying “It is what it is.” These are thoughts and narratives that can reinforce the core message “something is wrong with me if I acknowledge what I truly feel.” Is there an equivalent of a “white horse” keeping you from acknowledging your emotional needs? What do you notice yourself saying to yourself? Which emotions feel acceptable to acknowledge? Which ones don’t?

If you are a man reading this, what are some ways that you have hidden your need for emotional support because of any feelings of shame? Have you felt that acknowledging some emotions make you feel weak? On the other end, have you ever been told that you need to be more vulnerable? If you have felt a knee-jerk rejection to hearing the word “vulnerable,” Jason Wilson offers a different option while still honoring your emotional needs.

Vulnerability vs. Courageous Transparency

Similarly to Brené Brown, Jason Wilson is also someone that went viral on social media back in 2016. Jason Wilson is the director of his martial arts studio, the Cave of Adullam Transformational Academy. He is known for using martial arts to teach boys and men emotional intelligence. In the viral video, a young boy takes a test by trying to punch through a board. The boy starts crying, and Jason Wilson has a conversation with the boy, validating his emotions and giving him space to talk about why he was crying. The boy answered that it was hard to punch through the board with his left hand. Jason affirmed him, telling him that it is good for him to cry because it allows him to do hard things that he may not always want to do. At the end of the conversation, Jason gave the boy a chance to try punching the board with his left hand, and he punched through it on his first try. This is an example of Jason honoring emotional needs in boys and men without them embracing being “vulnerable.” After his years of work with boys and men, he makes a distinction about the word “vulnerable” that can be useful.

Jason grounds his perspective in the dictionary definition of the word “vulnerable.” In one of his podcast episodes he shares that it is “being susceptible to harm, attack, or death.” Jason highlights that many men have problems with the word vulnerable, despite the intention when used in therapeutic settings, which is to encourage someone to open themselves emotionally. And he uses the conversation as an opportunity to pivot towards different language that aligns with men meeting their emotional needs, while at the same time not feeling “weak.” He uses the phrase “courageous transparency” to refer to being emotionally transparent. He does this to reframe the word “vulnerable” in order to work against core shame messages of “weakness” in men. And in being transparent, it means being seen. Not putting oneself in harm’s way. And what’s great about transparency is that in being seen, boundaries can be set for comfort, self-respect, and safety. You get to choose who sees you. And here’s my invitation to any man reading this; you get to go on the journey of seeing yourself. Therapy doesn’t have to be a place where you are susceptible to “harm, attack, or death” in revealing your emotions. If anything, it can be an opportunity for you to courageously see yourself. To try it out and see how it feels. And to make choices about how that shows up in different areas of your life.