Coping with stress is part of being human, but not all ways of coping are created equal. This blog is designed to shine a light on how you handle the stress that comes from emotional needs not being met. By exploring this, you’ll start to see your actions in a new light, which can guide you toward making changes that enhance how you feel about yourself, connect with others, and interact with the world around you.

The Impact of Unmet Emotional Needs

According to Dr. Jeffrey Young, the psychologist who developed Schema Therapy, our brains perceive unmet emotional needs as threats. Just as our bodies instinctively protect us from physical danger, our minds do the same with emotional threats. Our core emotional needs range from the desire for safety and connection to the need for independence, respect, acceptance, self-worth, self-expression, compassion, and the ability to be emotionally open. When these needs remain unfulfilled, especially during our formative years, we may adopt harmful beliefs about ourselves and the world. These beliefs can lead to unproductive coping patterns that don’t serve us well.

Reacting to Emotional Threats: Overcompensation, Avoidance, and Surrender

You’re likely familiar with the ‘fight, flight, or freeze’ reactions to danger. Similarly, when faced with emotional threats, we often react without thinking. We might confront the issue head-on (overcompensation), run away from it (avoidance), or become paralyzed by it (surrender). Schema Therapy links one’s history of unmet emotional needs, typically in childhood, with the beliefs that form from those unmet needs, and the pattern of coping and responding to those beliefs. In the upcoming example, we’ll delve into how these styles manifest and why they might be holding you back.

Consider the fundamental emotional need for care and acceptance. Should a child’s primary caregivers fail to provide acceptance, the child might internalize the belief, “I am flawed/unworthy/unlovable.” This negative self-perception can persist into adulthood. Consequently, if a close friend or partner does not fulfill their need for acceptance, they may resort to one of the three unhelpful coping styles: overcompensation, avoidance, or surrender.

Overcompensation

The Quest for Perfection Overcompensation involves behaving as though the exact opposite of an unmet need is true, effectively fighting against the internalized belief of being flawed. For instance, someone who grew up feeling unlovable may strive for perfection in adulthood, criticizing others to elevate their own sense of worth. This extreme reaction is both unproductive and insensitive, as it masks the underlying belief of unworthiness. A person who felt controlled as a child might become overly controlling, or if they experienced abuse, they might become an abuser themselves.

Avoidance

The Art of Evasion Avoidance is the act of structuring one’s life to prevent triggering any unmet needs or associated false beliefs. It’s akin to running away from the deep-seated conviction of being defective. Individuals may sidestep situations that could evoke their need for acceptance, choosing not to reveal their true selves or share genuine thoughts and feelings. This can lead to excessive behaviors like drinking, drug use, overeating, workaholism, or compulsive cleaning, all in an effort to dodge the painful belief of being unlovable.

Surrender

Embracing the False Narrative Surrender means submitting to the false belief as if it were true, fully experiencing the associated emotional pain. When someone embraces the idea that they are inherently defective, their actions reflect this belief. They might gravitate towards friends who reject them, belittle themselves, and refrain from advocating for their own needs, perpetuating the cycle of feeling unworthy and unlovable.

Can you relate to any of these styles of coping? Feeling overwhelmed by life’s challenges? Should you wish to delve deeper into understanding how your history shapes your present reactions to stress, know that I am here to offer guidance and support. Reach out for a conversation, and let’s navigate this journey together. Contact me now for compassionate counseling care.