The Patriarchy

Patriarchy can be a charged word depending on who is asked. It is a word used to describe a culture which celebrates men holding the highest degree of power, authority, and dominance over everyone else. It is also a word that may cause feelings of guilt and shame to men when hearing the word, potentially leading men to disengaging from the mere mention of the word. The word “patriarchy” could be a reminder of the phrase “toxic masculinity,” and some men may internalize the message “I am the problem,” as a result. Anytime a core belief begins with “I am the problem,” it is the root of shame.

Therapy is a place to externalize problems from oneself in order to explore problems as problems. Not viewing self as the problem. With the goal of healing, this creates space to embrace all the bright parts of the human soul within men. Separating problems from self also creates opportunities to live more from a place of feeling connected to self and others. And when this emotional safe space is established, men have an opportunity to explore patriarchy for themselves without judgment or shame. In this space, new ways of being which feel emotionally fulfilling to men, can be imagined and embodied. Masculinity can be redefined to acknowledge the full range of men’s humanity.

Core Beliefs, Thoughts, Feelings, ACTION!

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy explores the relationships between people’s core beliefs, the thoughts coming from those core beliefs, feelings generated from the thoughts, and actions following the feelings. If someone has childhood experiences where they feel safe and that their needs are met (i.e. emotional, physical, financial, etc.), then they can develop one of a few core beliefs. The possibilities are, “I am lovable,” “I am worthy,” and, “I have agency over myself.” Those core beliefs create space for automatic thoughts that are pleasant about oneself, pleasant feelings from the thoughts, and actions that are self-nurturing. If a person has childhood experiences where they don’t feel safe and don’t have their needs met, then the person can develop core beliefs such as, “I am unlovable,” “I am unworthy,” or, “I am powerless.” Those beliefs fuel automatic ways of thinking that cause unpleasant thoughts and actions which can be self-sabotaging.

The first set of core beliefs fuel healthy connection with self and others. The second set of core beliefs fuels disconnection from self and others. Little boys are socialized to disconnect from their feelings in order to fit the idea of manhood through the lens of patriarchy. And to take it a step further, let’s look at patriarchy with different language: dominance culture.

Dominance Culture

Reframing the term patriarchy as dominance culture is an opportunity to view dominance as the result of core beliefs that fuel automatic thoughts, feelings about those thoughts, and the actions chosen as a result of the feelings. In this view, being a male in of itself is not a problem. It is an opportunity to view ideas and thoughts as problems that get in the way of feeling meaningful connection with self and others. I would like to invite you into considering how dominance affects your definition of manhood, how you are rewarded for it, and what it costs you. In therapy, we could call this a cost-benefit analysis. The core questions are, “What do you gain? What do you lose?”

If you are a man, could feelings of power be a gain within dominance culture? Could feeling unseen as your authentic self be a loss when embracing dominance culture? Could there be a missed opportunity for you to witness your authentic self? Both anxiety and depression involve disconnection from true feelings of anger, sadness, and/or fear. How could dominance culture potentially impact your definition of masculinity? How could that definition contribute to feelings of anxiety and depression? Do you feel that you need to protect and provide for everyone else except for yourself? Do you feel afraid at the thought of others caring for their own needs as you care for your own? Could choosing power be a way to hide feelings of shame from not knowing how to emotionally connect with yourself and others? If you answer yes to any of those questions, I want to invite you into an alternative; partnership.

Partnership Culture

In Bell Hooks’ book, The Will to Change: Men, Masculinity, and Love, she proposes a partnership model as an alternative to dominance culture. It begins with men connecting with themselves emotionally. It involves feeling emotional pain and grieving losses to create space for the pleasure of feeling connected with self and others. It creates space for men to release pressure created by dominance culture where participation requires men to control everything and deny their souls. It decentralizes the idea that manhood is emotional self-abandonment. Partnership centralizes the idea that men can be human by emotionally connecting to themselves alongside other people emotionally connecting to themselves.

Therapy can be a space for men to examine core beliefs, distorted thinking, and self-sabotaging actions that developed during childhood as little boys. It can also be a space to redefine manhood as a way to feel relief from feelings of depression and anxiety. What are some different ways that partnership with yourself and others create opportunities to cultivate joy and feeling alive? How could you embrace the little boy inside of you so he knows that his soul matters? So that you know that your soul matters?  Answering these questions may lead the little boy inside of you to jump for joy and thank you. If he does, there’s an opportunity to see what it feels like to join him.