It’s a common experience to say or do something and then gasp, thinking “I’m just like my (insert family member here).” Progressive insurance commercials have even made a joke out of this common experience, showing young home owners becoming their parents by doing classic parents things like discussing the weather or traffic, keeping random items around just in case, or saying silly phrases like “look what the cat dragged in.” The commercials are funny and the experience itself can be a silly insight into how one is actually more similar to one’s parents than one seems. However, that brief experience and gasp moment actually reveal deeper, more substantial patterns. Generational patterns are recurring behaviors, values, and roles passed down through families. These patterns can be positive, like having a strong sense of resilience or an assertive communication style. The patterns can also be negative including unresolved trauma from past generations or unhealthy coping mechanisms such as substance abuse. Therapy can be a safe and productive place to process and address generational patterns.

Common Generational Patterns

Family Roles: Different roles can be passed down through generations. If you grew up with a mom that is always looking after other family members’ needs and managing family dynamics, you may have a certain idea about what being a parent means. This could be labeled as inheriting the caretaker role. And it’s important to explore the implications of adopting a family role: sometimes it can be a positive thing that increases compassion or responsibility. And sometimes, in the case of adopting the caretaking role, it may lead to potential burnout or self-neglect. Your therapist can help you identify any family role you may have inherited and the resulting implications.

Communication Styles: Every family communicates differently. What is blunt and confrontational to one family may be seen as normal and assertive to another family. We don’t all have to be the exact same in our communication styles. However, there are some core tenets of healthy communication such as a sense of safety, honesty, and respect. If when reflecting on your family’s communication style you notice a lack of honesty through emotional avoidance or a lack of sense of safety through loud voices and harsh retorts it may be helpful to further unpack and address how communication styles have been passed down in your family.

Conflict Resolution: Families often have a common theme of conflict resolution. You may come from a family that competes during conflicts, the goal is to ‘win’ the argument, and aggressive demeanors may be present during disagreements. Or maybe you come from a family that avoids conflict, preferring to not talk about anything too intense and will quickly change the topic if things become emotional. Whatever conflict resolution background you come from, with reflection and self-awareness it’s possible to cultivate an approach to conflict resolution that feels healthy and values congruent to yourself, rather than merely adopting your family’s style.

Strategies for Addressing Generational Patterns

A nuanced perspective: When addressing generational patterns it’s important to create a distinction between generational trauma and generational patterns. Trauma is negative, whereas a generational pattern can be positive, negative, or even neutral. Some generational patterns may be celebrated as important values and meaningful traditions. Some patterns may be helpful and beneficial in one season of life and then no longer productive in the next season.

Exploring narratives: What story are you telling yourself when it comes to your generational patterns? Is there another potential story there? Perhaps a different story that could be more empowering and constructive. It can also be helpful to write out previous family values and current individual values and explore the similarities and differences.

Skill Building: When and if you do identify toxic generational patterns that you want to remove, well what do you replace them with? A therapist can help walk you through different skills like communication skills, emotional regulation, and stress management. Maybe you come from a family that historically copes through numbing or substances. A therapist can help empower you to choose more adaptive coping mechanisms.

Reach Out

Identifying and reconciling with generational patterns can be difficult work. Maybe something you’ve always thought is normal is actually a pattern that has been passed down in your family and may be holding you back. Maybe some value or tradition that you previously have taken for granted is actually quite special and should be acknowledged and celebrated more intentionally.

Whatever your family background is, I encourage you to further reflect on your own generational patterns. If this resonates with you, consider doing this work with a trained therapist here at Optimum Joy – don’t hesitate to reach out and get started today!