January 30, 2025

Feelin’ New Year, New Me Blues?

By Xavier Durrant
Identity Development
Mental Health & Wellbeing

The start of a new year often comes with expectations to transform, improve, and achieve. Social media is flooded with posts about resolutions, goal-setting, and “new year, new me” declarations. While this optimism can be motivating for some, others find themselves paralyzed by an overwhelming sense of “I want to, but what’s the point.” If you feel stuck as the new year unfolds, you’re not alone. If you take nothing from this blog please take this – for many of us, these moments of paralysis stem from implicit memories rooted in childhood experiences.

Implicit Memories and the Inner Critic

Implicit memories are unconscious, automatic recollections that shape our emotions and behavior without us even realizing it. An example of this is when you tell a joke at dinner and you swear it sounded so much better in your head and the piercing silence sends a shrill down your spine and now you’re still thinking about how you could have made it better the entire ride home. THAT sort of automatic default toward the reason why you did not get the expected response has something to do with YOU, is your implicit memory in full blown activation. Unlike explicit memories, which are consciously recalled, implicit memories can evoke feelings of shame, fear, or “not enoughness” in response to current events. The arrival of a new year, with its focus on self-improvement, can unconsciously activate a ready to “weigh-in” inner critic.

Many of these implicit memories trace back to childhood experiences where perfectionism was cultivated. Perhaps you grew up in an environment where love and approval felt conditional on your achievements. Now, before you call your caretaker and give them a piece of your mind, consider this: often, caretakers did the best they could with what they knew at the time. Understanding this doesn’t diminish the impact those experiences had on you, but it can open the door to compassion—for them and for yourself. Even now, as you’re reading and remembering a simple report card, points scored during the game, or even your behavior at family gatherings might have carried the weight of “proving” your worth. Over time, these experiences teach us to equate our value with our accomplishments.

Why Motivation Feels Out of Reach

When these implicit memories surface in our day to day lives, they can hijack your emotional state, replacing excitement with self-doubt. Going back to the joke that did not land at the social dinner with friends. Rather than seeing a seemingly flat joke for what it is, perhaps you see it as you have to, “get it right”, “get it better”, “get it etc” next time. This internal dynamic robs us from the present joy, excitement, gratitude you’ve experienced all throughout the night and instead on this one moment of “better get it right next time”. This mindset creates a paradox: the more I want to change, the more fear and shame block my path. Do you see it? Fear and shame, fear and shame. These are the defensive lineman making change difficult to push through. Fear and shame, fear and shame not laziness or lack of willpower—it’s your nervous system responding to unresolved emotional wounds.

Young man with coily curly black hair, wearing glasses, a mustard yellow sweater and blue jeans, jotting down some notes, planning, as he sits on a cream colored sofa in a bright living room with white walls and a white coffee table, with his computer and journal and green mug.

Shifting from Paralysis to Possibility

You can rewrite the narrative and here are some steps to help you navigate this challenge with self-compassion. Self-compassion is not about woo-woo feeling bad pitying myself. It’s actually quite the opposite:

1. Recognize the Patterns: Notice when feelings of inadequacy or fear come up for you. Ask yourself: What does this remind me of? Often, identifying the origin of these emotions diminishes their power over you.

2. Practice Self-Compassion: Replace the harsh inner critic with a kinder voice or encouraging coach. Literally imagine speaking to yourself the way you would to your best friend. We live in a world that tends to only acknowledge and validate results so your call to action is to acknowledge your efforts and remind yourself that your worth is not tied to achievements. We’ll turn back to the dinner/joke example: Rather than beating yourself up for not cracking everyone up at that moment, acknowledge the fact that you were bold enough to share it with the table. Acknowledge that you practiced self-expression, you contributed and did not allow discomfort to shut you down.

3. Set Intentions Instead of Resolutions: Traditional resolutions often focus on rigid goals that reinforce all-or-nothing thinking. Instead, set intentions that emphasize growth and exploration. For example, instead of “I will lose 20 pounds,” consider, “I will explore ways to nourish and care for my body.”

4. Ground Yourself in the Present: Use mindfulness to connect with the present moment. Simple practices like deep breathing, gentle stretching, or mindful journaling can help calm the nervous system and shift your focus from past wounds to present possibilities.

5. Seek Support: Therapy can be a powerful space to explore implicit memories and learn how to navigate their impact. A therapist can help you unpack the roots of perfectionism and guide you toward a healthier relationship with yourself.

Embracing New Beginnings

The start of a new year doesn’t have to be perfect. It’s okay to make a mess, it’s even okay to be a mess sometimes. Progress is not linear, and growth often comes in small, imperfect steps. The new year is simply a canvas for exploring the fullness of who you’re becoming.

For more practical steps and resources here at Optimum Joy, please reach out, we’d love to see how we can support you.

Written By

Xavier Durrant

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