Do you find yourself in situations where you find yourself feeling that you are carrying everyone around you, but no one is carrying you? Maybe it looks like going above and beyond, sacrificing your well-being to make sure that other people come out on top. Or it could even look like checking in with everyone else around you to validate your feelings before you feel ok about whatever decisions you would like to make. Here, I’m not referring to having an idea and getting feedback to make your idea stronger. More specifically, what I am referring to is not having an idea, hoping that someone gives you one, tells you how to flesh it out, and how to accomplish it. If you feel this way, do you feel that this could be a better option because you may feel like you’ll just fail at whatever you touch? You can take this as an invitation to reflect on if that or anything close to it resonates for you.

What if there is a world where you are capable? Where your ideas are important? Where you can carry yourself, and accept that other people are capable of carrying themselves? For starters, let’s look at where these behaviors are actually useful and serve the goal of merely surviving, and Melody Beattie’s, “Codependent No More,“ to illustrate these things further.

Family Matters

Not a single one of us has figured out how to choose the family that we are born into. That is something completely outside of our control. If anyone ever figures out how to do it, they just may become a gazillionaire. That being said, family systems that create codependency have historically been associated with people who self-medicate with alcohol and other substances. For example, if one caregiver in the family system has become dependent on substances, they may prioritize getting the substance, and in the process, not prioritize taking care of themselves. This can include paying bills on time or acknowledging their unpleasant feelings so they can meet their own needs. In these cases, if a person in the family is overcome by their dependence on the substance, then someone else in the family system may feel the responsibility to abandon themselves to make sure that their loved one is taken care of. This can include the self-medicating person’s children, spouse, partner, or siblings. Children growing up in this environment can receive messages like, “Securing love can only happen when I abandon myself,” or, “I am only worthy when I do things for other people.”

Even though the term codependency originated around families coping with family members who self-medicated using alcohol, substances are not the only causes of codependency. Children could experience parents who don’t have appropriate support for their own mental, medical, financial, or social needs, and find themselves in caregiving positions for their parents or caregivers.

Relief Seeking Behaviors Vs. Addiction

The word addiction is typically used in these sorts of situations, and Dr. Jennifer Mullan gives a great reframe to this term in her book, “Decolonizing Therapy.” She uses the phrase, “relief seeking behaviors,” and moving forward, I will also use this phrase. It destigmatizes what is happening, and allows room for curiosity so that people can seek relief in ways that are healthy and don’t come with severe consequences. It also expands the scope of what can be a relief seeking behavior, which can increase awareness for self-empowerment. When people use substances for relief seeking behaviors, people who love them can seek relief by abandoning themselves and trying to force the other person to take care of themselves. In the same way, by taking responsibility for someone else, the person avoids feelings of sadness, anger, or fear that arise because of their loved one’s dependency on substances. In Melody Beattie’s book Codependence No More, she shares examples of how relief seeking behaviors of avoidance, compliance, low self-esteem, denial, and control can show up.

An example of avoidance can be using indirect or evasive communication to avoid conflict or confrontation. Complying could be setting aside your own interests in order to do what other people want. Low self esteem could look like needing to appear to be right in the eyes of others, and lying to appear right. Control could show itself through a person demanding that others meet their needs. How are these relief seeking behaviors, you may ask? One way to look at it is that these could be ways with avoiding feeling anger, sadness, or fear, depending on the feelings that were permissible or taboo in someone’s family system.

Codependence to Interdependence

If you’re reading through this and feel like you can relate, that could feel like a lot! Or there may be strings of light bulbs going off in your mind helping you to understand different situations that you may have found yourself in along the way. If you relate to any of this, I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again; none of us has the code to choose the family we are born into! This can be an invitation to acknowledge your journey with curiosity, and to embrace yourself. The path from codependence to interdependence is in fact, a journey, like any other healing journey. If codependence is engaging in behaviors to avoid taking care of yourself, interdependence is engaging in behaviors to embrace meeting your needs while working together with other people. And what a wonderful opportunity you have, if you recognize these behaviors in yourself, to begin the path of taking care of yourself. If codependence resonates with you, I would like to invite you to consider that more likely than not, it wasn’t safe for you to take care of yourself as a child, or in different situations during adulthood. This is an invitation to learn yourself. Your true authentic self. And one way to start the journey of finding your authentic self, is to notice what you truly feel. This empowers you to engage with people as an equal partner, and feel the pleasure of taking up space as your authentic self in the world.

You may notice that I have resorted to a few different emotion words (i.e. sadness, anger, and fear). That’s because all of the unpleasant human emotions originate with these. You can start small. What are small instances of feeling sadness, anger, or fear? In your everyday life? You can write these things in a journal. Or you can say it out loud to yourself. And then you can decide what you need based on that feeling! Imagine that! Meeting your own needs from a place of empowerment! And finally, I would like to introduce the fourth basic emotion, from where all pleasant human emotions originate; joy.

Joy to Yourself!

What brings you joy? Is it taking a walk in nature? Noticing beautiful birds and all their beautiful colors? Is it sitting by a body of water? Is it reading a good book (or listening to an audio book)? Is it skating? Biking? Sitting with a group of good friends? Your favorite comedian? Gardening? Comicon? A good snack at a sports game? Whatever it is, you get to cultivate little moments of joy for yourself. And I invite you to consider this thought; You’re worth taking care of yourself.