Have you ever gone through something really hard, done the work to process it, you basically move on, but you find yourself avoiding the version of you who went through the hard thing? Maybe you were bullied in middle school and the bully’s words don’t really bother you anymore, but you hate any reminders of middle school. Maybe your parents got divorced when you were 20 and you truly believe it was the best decision for them, but you rarely look at pictures from that time in your life.

This is actually quite common and in the therapy world we call this struggling to integrate. When something difficult happens, we often fragment as a survival strategy. We separate ourselves from experiences that are too painful to integrate. We don’t really want to think about that time or who we were then. Fragmentation can help us in the moment but it’s not really a sustainable strategy. If we fragment ourselves, every time something quite difficult happens our sense of self may feel shallow or eroded. We feel like we don’t actually know who we are. If you feel like this, know that you’re not alone! And there’s hope in creating a fully integrated self. Here are some steps to follow for full integration of self.

1. Safety and Stability

Integration cannot happen in chaos. If your current life feels chaotic, it is not the time to integrate past selves that went through difficulty or trauma. First, work on your current life, establishing some rhythm and routine, making sure that you have pleasant activities that you look forward to throughout the week, and establishing some social support.

2. Awareness and Relationship with your Fragments

Once you have a foundation of stability, begin to notice what periods of your life you avoid thinking about. Use curiosity about these times. Maybe ask yourself, “What was it like for me to go through that?” Maybe consider if you’d tell your younger self anything now. Explore what your relationship is with that version of yourself. See if you’re able to cultivate compassion and understanding towards that version of yourself.

3. Reconnection with Self

Once you’ve identified the fragments and your relationship with the fragments, allow yourself to get creative during the integration process. Get really curious about how all the different versions of you combine to create your present self. How have you changed, what’s stayed the same? Maybe there’s a hobby or personality tendency that you’ve repressed because it reminds you of a difficult fragment- maybe see if that hobby or tendency actually feels quite true to your full self. Explore your capacity for play and imagination. The process of integration can be a process of trial and error. Helpful mantras during this stage of integration could be, “I know I have myself,” or “All of me is allowed to be here.”

Stay Curious

When we’re able to live from a fully integrated sense of self, we are often more calm and open and life may feel more full. Our posture towards ourselves is one of curiosity rather than one of protection or desire to prove ourselves. Life often feels more full because we’re not avoiding or protecting and we can fail at something and simply try again. If a trigger occurs that reminds us of a part of ourselves that used to be fragmented, we can now respond thoughtfully and intentionally rather than immediately reacting or repressing.

Reach out

The process of integration can certainly take place through individual reflection, journaling, and community. Therapy can also serve as an extremely helpful tool in the journey of integration. If you’d like to learn more about this process or experience integration for yourself, please reach out to Optimum Joy.