Traditions

When I was a kid, I remember reading this story in school, and never foresaw how applicable this story would be within the therapy space. It goes a little something like this.

A family was preparing for a holiday dinner, and right in line with tradition, one of the daughters cut the chicken in half before placing it in the oven. Her younger sister leaned over and asked, “Why do we cut the chicken in half before we put it in the oven?” The older sister replied, “It’s just how we do things. It’s our tradition.” “But why?” the younger sister asked. “The oven is big enough to place it in there without cutting it in half.” “You know what?” the older sister replied. “I never thought about that. I just did it because that’s what Mom told me. Let me ask her.” The older sister approached her mother in the living room and asked, “Hey Ma, quick question. How come we cut the chicken in half before we cook it?” “It’s just tradition. That’s what your grandma told me to do,” the mother stated matter-of-factly. “But why?” her daughter pressed. The oven is big enough to put it in whole.” “You know what? You’re right. I know Grandma hasn’t left to come for dinner yet, so let me call her.” The mother called Grandma and when she asked the buzzing question of the hour, Grandma chuckled to herself and said “When I was coming up, the oven was really small. So we had to cut it in half to make it fit.” “Ohhh, ok,” the mother replied. And in that moment, something that was unquestionable held different meaning. Each family member could respond to what was most useful in the moment, instead of engaging in automatic behavior that may not be useful in current circumstances.

This story could sound trivial, but what kinds of behaviors, adaptations, and perspectives have happened in your family, that may have been very useful at one point in time, but no longer serve you in the way that you respond to things? Let’s make this a little more concrete.

Sankofa

Dr. Joy Degruy wrote a book addressing this same concept within Black American culture in her book entitled Post Traumatic Slave Syndrome: America’s Legacy of Enduring Injury and Healing. She approaches behavior within community from a historical lens in order to examine ways of adapting Black American communities. Her book was an invitation to examine the strengths that Black Americans have used to endure injustice in America. It also was written as an opportunity to re-examine behaviors that were appropriate for survival under extreme circumstances, but are no longer useful. She centers her concept of Post Traumatic Slave Syndrome around an African term “Sankofa,” which means “return and get it.” Looking back into history can be an opportunity to notice things you do that you may take for granted, and how they can sometimes become obstacles towards your goals.

Dr. Degruy illustrates this point by recalling a true story about a conversation she overheard between two mothers at a local school parents’ meeting. She shares that the two mothers’ sons were in the same class and played sports together. One mother was White, and the other mother was Black. They had a conversation about how their sons were doing in school, and both were proud of their sons’ success. The Black mother commented on how well the White mother’s son was doing. After the White mother finished talking about her son, the White mother, remembering how well the Black mother’s son was doing, could not finish her sentence before being cut off by the Black mother saying “Oh, girl, he’s such a mess at home. Sometimes I could just strangle him.” Dr. Degruy looked at this scenario through a historical lens to have opportunity to examine perceptions and behaviors as adaptations that people have made and passed down over generations.

Making it Make Sense

Dr. Degruy looks at a similar situation during times when Black Americans were enslaved, to see how the Black mother’s response to the White mother can be viewed as an adaptation that was passed down. Back during slavery, if a White slave master approached a Black mother working on his plantation and asked “How’s your son doing?” to protect her son from being sold, she very well may have said something along the lines of “Oh sir, you know he ain’t no good. He stupid and shiftless.” The point is, that speaking poorly about her son was an adaptation to keep her son safe in extreme conditions, and was useful in those circumstances towards the goal of safety. The son of the Black mother in the parent meeting, if he overheard her, could very well feel confused about how his mother could be so proud of him, and speak poorly of him. Little does he know, this was an adaptation that his mother embodied which was passed down without thinking about it. Like cutting the chicken in half at the holiday dinner mentioned before.

The Invitation

Dr. Degruy speaks specifically about Black Americans, but this principle can be applicable to other cultures. Depending on the history, people in other cultures would have to determine the best way to describe connections between historical and current ways of adapting. What stories have you heard about how your ancestors survived traumatic events? In history books? From your community? What are some things that may feel automatic and aren’t useful towards your goals? Do you see anything in your culture that links to your own historical traumas? What ways can you celebrate and honor how your ancestors have adapted to survive injustices and traumas? And what are ways you can adapt today that support your goals of thriving relationships?

Take some time to reflect on these questions—whether through journaling, conversation, or quiet contemplation—and notice what resonates with you. If you’re ready to explore these patterns more deeply and begin reshaping them in ways that align with the life and relationships you want, consider reaching out for support.