Have you ever lost a puzzle piece? It’s even worse when the piece belongs right in the puzzle’s center—making it more evident that it is not completed. You look at the picture on the puzzle box and can’t help but feel disappointed. You want that missing piece.

Looking at pictures of my family, I feel like a piece is missing. My daughter recently got married, and my mom (her grandmother) is not in the photos. My mom passed away six years ago after being in a vegetative state for ten years, so she’s been missing from our family pictures for a while. Still, memorable moments in our family’s lives hit hard, knowing she is the missing piece I long for.

Hitting a Grief Wall

Death is a natural part of life, and its certainty is something we all come to understand. However, the loss of a loved one can bring excruciating pain. I have experienced unimaginable grief throughout my life, including the loss of my beloved grandparents, my mother’s slow decline (which resulted in years of fluctuating grief), the suicides of my uncle and cousin, the passing of our family’s first pet, and the untimely death of another uncle who had cut off contact with my family and refused to reconcile.

At times, when my mom was in a vegetative state, I would experience an unbearably heavy burden on my heart. No words could comfort me; I usually needed a good cry. An uncontrollable “I can’t breathe” ugly cry. I had to let it all out. I often utter the words, “Why God?” It’s okay to cry out to God and ask why.

I was often asked about my mom’s health and how I was coping with it. I would respond, “She and I are OK.” But in reality, my mom’s health was getting worse, and things were not looking up despite my prayers. I was not okay. For a while, I heavily relied on my faith to deal with my overwhelming emotions. Worship songs like “It is Well with My Soul” and “Held” helped me get through each day, sometimes even moment by moment. However, I eventually reached a breaking point. I could no longer use my faith as a coping mechanism to mend my broken heart. I couldn’t suppress my emotions any longer. My deeply wounded heart was crying out to be acknowledged, and I didn’t know how. I needed help.

Look Out for Unhealthy Spirituality

In 1984, psychologist John Welwood introduced the term “Spiritual Bypassing” to describe the tendency to try to avoid or prematurely transcend human needs, feelings, and developmental tasks. Essentially, it involves the unhealthy use of spirituality, spiritual beliefs, and practices to evade dealing with emotional pain and psychological issues. Sometimes, rather than aid in healing, spirituality can be used to undermine or cover up uncomfortable feelings. A negative connotation is attached to sadness, fear, anger, and other emotions.

During counseling, I first learned how to embrace and hold space for my feelings while giving words to them. I learned to hold onto sorrow in one hand while grasping joy in the other. I am still continuously learning not to feel guilty for the beautiful life I get to live, even though my mom is no longer with us. Feelings and faith are an essential part of me. I feel more seen and loved by my God because I’ve embraced my humanness. Giving space to feel the messy and broken parts of me brings about genuine healing, while faith reminds me that “it’s possible” (Matt. 19:26) for me to heal.

Heal by Feeling

It is said that that time heals all wounds. This wound isn’t one of those. When I look at the memorable photos that don’t include my mom, I still picture how it would have been if she had been there. I know in my heart that it will never be better than having her with me. Life will never be the same without her. It will always be different. Still, life continues, and day by day, I am getting better at catching up to it. Nothing will ever replace that missing puzzle piece, but the puzzle will continue to evolve without it. All I can do is hope it will be good.

Reach Out

Don’t run from the missing pieces in your life. Don’t avoid the feelings or try to fill the void with unhealthy behaviors. When tragedy hits close to home, when the storms of life are raging all around us, or when the black clouds gather over us, it can be challenging to find hope and, most importantly, seek help. You don’t have to navigate through these struggles on your own.

Please feel free to reach out to us. We can help you understand and connect with your emotions to facilitate healing. Our therapists are here to support you and work together toward a life of emotional well-being.