Maybe you’ve had a friend, partner, parent, or therapist say to you that you need to “feel your feelings.” I’m thinking about the first time I heard that, and if you are anything like me, you might have thought to yourself, what the heck does that mean? Let’s see if we can break it down a bit to make it a tangible practice you can incorporate into your life.

What can emotions tell us

Emotions: Happy, sad, nervous, excited, frustrated, and angry. But of course we can’t forget about amazed, powerless, overwhelmed, curious, isolated. There are so many things we can feel! Knowing how to name our emotions can actually allow us to regulate some of our more distressing and less pleasant emotions. Putting language to the things we sense inside, can create validation and understanding. I think about a toddler that’s crying for seemingly no reason at all. Once mom comes over to investigate she finds that the toddler has dropped his precious toy. Mom says, “Oh my goodness, you must be so sad! Over here without your toy!” Mystery solved, and mom can tend to the child’s needs.

Even as adults, emotions give us cues about how we should act, our relationships, our work, and how we feel about the things we do and the world around us. The more you know your own emotional experience, the deeper your connection to your body, your loved ones, and the human experience. I also think it’s the key to healing. We can tend to our own emotions the way a loving mother tends to her child’s.

Avoiding the avoidance spiral

Most of us need some practice and time to learn the skill of emotional identification. Let’s use a realistic example.

Imagine: you had a tough day at work. Your boss said something that rubbed you the wrong way, someone else got credit on the project that you feel you did more of the work on, and you left your lunch at the bus stop. You are feeling… something, but you don’t know exactly what. All you can think about is getting home.

What do you do when you get home? For some, you might cry. For others, you may pour a glass of wine, login to your video game, or maybe lay on the couch scrolling social media until the sun goes down. You had plans to do laundry or hang out with a friend, but you never made it.

We all need ways and times to relax, but without any further investigation; all those feelings from your day remain pent up and bouncing around your body. It’s why when you lay down to sleep that night you might find your mind and heart racing, and you might find it difficult to fall asleep.

So how do you address this and avoid the avoidance spiral? It starts with identification and naming that emotion.

Step 1: Identify the emotion.

How do you feel? You may say “I feel like my boss is an idiot!” or “I feel like I need a new job!” We’re getting closer, but what we really need is an emotion word. 

“I feel…humiliated, disappointed, and inadequate.”

There are a couple of helpful tools out there to help us navigate the world of emotion words.

You can locate an amazing wheel of feelings words here.

You can also download an app that will help you notice your emotions and even log emotional experiences throughout the week, here.

Sometimes that’s enough and all you need to do that day. Get home from work, kick off your shoes and simply say to yourself, “I am so annoyed!” If you feel you want to keep going, move to step 2.

Step 2: Get curious

Take an attitude of curiosity about yourself and your day. Allow whatever comes up, to be okay. Practice remaining neutral and nonjudgemental. For example: you might be tempted to call yourself “weak” or “a bother” for being teary eyed or tense. Try to allow yourself to feel and examine your experience without needing to make a judgement about it. Notice what happened today. Notice other times in your life this feeling has come up.

Again, for plenty of us, and on any given day, this might be enough, but if you feel a pull to go deeper, move to step three.

Step 3: Notice your body’s sensations.

Again, remaining neutral, allow yourself to notice how this emotion comes up in your body. Does it feel cold or hot? Sharp or soft? Fast or slow? Does it feel like anything else you’ve felt before? See if you can ask your body what it needs to be able to feel your feelings more deeply, or if noticing is enough. This might lead to crying. Maybe you want to give a hardy shout into your pillow. Maybe you need to go for a jog or shake your body to get loose. Go for it!

Step 4: Tend to the emotion

Step 4 is further exploring the question: what do you need? Sometimes we might think about advice we would give a friend: Go for a walk, enjoy a nice dinner, drink lots of water. I think sometimes, the advice we would give to a little kid feels even better: take a nap, color or paint a picture, play with a friend, get a hug from a loved one, write a story or in your journal, dance a silly dance, listen to your favorite song, watch your favorite movie.

I really like to remember the voice of a loving friend or caregiver at this step:

“I love you, it is okay to be sad. Take the time you need. I’ll be here.”

Remember, this is a practice. You may need to work your way through these steps several times before it ever feels natural. You may also find that you would like to talk to someone about these steps and about these feelings. If that’s you, reach out and get started with a therapist in our office today.

It is okay to feel. It’s good to feel. Take the time you need. Reach out; we’re here if you need support.