I want to begin by saying clearly: this reflection is written with women in mind. I also recognize that men can and do find themselves in unhealthy or unsafe relationships, and that reality matters deeply too. But within many church spaces, it’s far more common for women to be encouraged to remain in circumstances that are not healthy, at times not safe, and definitely not reflective of God’s character and heart for them.

When leaving is not simple

It’s also important to name another layer to this reality, that not every woman has the means to simply get up and leave. Some have had their sense of worth diminished over time, sometimes since childhood, leaving them with very little clarity to recognize what’s happening. Too often, no one directly helps them by naming the truth of what is happening to them, that the narrative they’ve believed about themselves is a lie, and that real healing may require help beyond the walls of the church.

I say this as someone who believes deeply that theology and therapy are not in competition – they are meant to work together.

Why this conversation matters

I am writing this because I believe we need more honest conversations about relationships, power, and spiritual language in Christian spaces. I also want to invite the men to take the time to read this message, to lean in, not defensively, but with a caring heart that also wants to speak up and share this message. I am challenging you to be men in your circles who protect God’s truth, uphold accountability among other men, and help create environments where women are safe, valued, and never pressured to endure harm in the name of faith.

My experience in marriage ministry

For many years, I was involved in a marriage ministry, driven by a genuine desire to help couples understand what the Bible teaches and to equip them with practical tools for building marriages that could truly thrive. That mission mattered deeply to me, and it still does, as I provide couples therapy.

But over time in this ministry, I found myself wrestling with some of the messaging I was hearing, often shared with good intentions. I began to notice patterns that didn’t sit right in my spirit or in my mind. At times, marriage and specifically husbands seemed to be elevated in a way that suggested a woman’s highest calling was being a wife and mother, with a strong emphasis on her role as her husband’s “helper.” I also witnessed a double standard when it pertained to church attendance. If a husband attended church, especially a marriage group, it was often celebrated as a major achievement, with an unspoken message: “Wife, you should be grateful he’s here.”

Let me be clear, my roles as wife and mother are deeply meaningful to me, and I hold them close to my heart. But I know that my highest calling is to be a child of God, made in the Imago Dei (the image of God).

When Scripture is used to silence

One of the most painful patterns I observed was how Scripture was sometimes used to justify staying in harmful dynamics. Too often, wives are encouraged to stay in unhealthy- even abusive- marriages under the banner of avoiding divorce. One popular verse, “’For I hate divorce,’ says the Lord” (Malachi 2:16), was repeated as if they were absolute commands, yet rarely taught in their full context or alongside God’s broader heart for justice, protection, and truth. Unfortunately, when such scriptures are shared with women without appropriate context, they place an unbearable weight on women, pressuring them to remain in situations that harm them and their children, rather than encouraging them to seek healing.

Other popular Christian phrases included:

• “God wouldn’t give you more than you can handle”
• “This is just your cross to bear”
• “It’s their lot in life”

The sacrifice of Christ was holy and redemptive. It was never intended to be used to justify women having to endure ongoing harm at the hands of a man who is supposed to love her like Christ loves the church. Using cliches like this twists the gospel and does not align with God’s character and heart for women.

To equate Christ’s suffering with a woman being expected to tolerate repeated betrayal, emotional abuse, or chronic unfaithfulness distorts the very message of the gospel. These are serious issues that require accountability, repentance, and real help. Enduring them in silence is not righteousness; it’s often the result of misplaced so-called spiritual advice. Ultimately, using spiritual language to excuse behavior that God calls wrong is wrong.

A different picture of God’s heart

I would wholeheartedly argue that God is a protector and loving defender of women. Throughout the Gospels, Jesus’ actions showed how much He valued women, gave them authority to witness and teach, and challenged cultural norms that marginalized them.

• Mary Magdalene is entrusted as a witness to the resurrection. (Luke 8:2) and (John 20:11–18)
• The Samaritan Woman at the Well is engaged with dignity.(John 4:7–26)
• The Woman Caught in Adultery is met with mercy rather than condemnation. (John 8:1–11)

I do not believe God is indifferent to women’s suffering. In fact, I believe Scripture repeatedly shows God as a protector and defender of women in vulnerable situations. Jesus does not reduce women to roles or silence. He restores their voice, dignity, and agency.

When theology is misapplied in relationships

The verse “Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord,” (Ephesians 5:22) has also been frequently highlighted, but often without equal emphasis on the preceding verse: “Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ” (Ephesians 5:21). We all are called to submit to God, and we are all called to live out the fruit of the spirit: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. In ministering to couples, that is what needs to be emphasized more.

In situations where husbands were cheating or being emotionally abusive, wives have been told to just keep praying, fast more, continue showing respect and love, and trust that their behavior would eventually influence their husbands to change. Even this well-meaning advice can turn into spiritual bypassing (using spiritual language to avoid facing pain or necessary action) instead of recognizing their pain and helping them get real support and healing. This teaching frequently referenced 1 Peter 3:1, which says, “Wives… be submissive to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives.” However, what was often left out was the very next verse: “when they see the purity and reverence of your lives,” (1 Peter 3:2). The emphasis on “purity and reverence” reflects a heart posture before God, not a call to silently endure ongoing harm or dysfunction.

One last thing, the phrase, “even when they don’t deserve it,” often points to grace and unconditional love. But when it’s applied without wisdom, it can unintentionally pressure a wife to tolerate disrespect, neglect, or even abuse. Love does not mean enabling sin or ignoring harmful behavior. It means choosing not to respond badly, while still holding firm boundaries and expecting godly behavior. Allowing ongoing bad behavior without consequences can make things worse, as it removes accountability and reinforces the very patterns causing harm.

A serious reality: intimate partner violence (IPV)

I also want to speak directly and seriously about intimate partner violence.

In my academic work on this topic within Christian homes, I learned that research has shown that Christian women who experience domestic abuse often draw on religious language to explain, justify, or tolerate the harm, and to remain in or return to marriages marked by violence. They may focus on the undesirability of divorce, the importance of loving and honoring their husbands, or the belief that forgiveness and prayer can bring about change in the abuser. However, studies indicate that this reliance on religious language can unintentionally perpetuate or normalize domestic violence. In other words, it can allow the abuse to continue, or even escalate, sometimes with deadly consequences.

If you are in a harmful situation, if you are a wife experiencing abuse, I want to say this with love and care for you and your family, please know you do not have to endure it alone, and staying silent is not the answer. Seek help through trusted friends or family members, professional counseling, and when necessary, safe legal avenues. The safety of you and your children matters to God, and He calls the church to protect and support, not to silence or shame.

Why Therapy

Therapy gives you a safe place to talk about hard experiences without feeling judged or rushed. It helps you see things more clearly, especially when you’ve been told harmful or confusing messages over time. If you’re interested in therapy, we would be glad to connect with you at Optimum Joy. You don’t have to stay silent anymore, reaching out for support is a meaningful first step.