We are sometimes our own worst enemy. We beat ourselves down when we make mistakes, pressure ourselves with unreachable expectations, and let our negative inner critic undermine our confidence. If you’ve ever thought to yourself something like, “I’m a failure, I’m the worst, or I’ll never be good enough,” self-compassion might be able to help you become a better friend to yourself.

What Is Self-Compassion?

Just like being a good friend to someone you’re close to, self-compassion is a way of interacting with yourself kindly. Self-compassion isn’t a get-out-of-jail-free card to mistakes and shortcomings, but instead, it’s a way to acknowledge your humanity and extend grace to yourself. Dr. Kristin Neff identified three core components to self-compassion: self kindness, common humanity, and mindfulness.

Self kindness involves being honest with yourself. To be nice is to be polite, but to be kind is to be honest. Self kindness has less to do with avoiding responsibility for our actions or making excuses for ourselves and more to do with acknowledging the ways we’ve messed up and moving forward being patient and gentle with ourselves.

Common humanity is the concept that all humans are imperfect. Our imperfection unifies and connects us to others because we all mess up. We all say the wrong thing. We all hurt a loved one. When we feel isolated in these experiences, we add to our suffering because we feel like we are the only one who goes through this. Common humanity is the reminder that while our own experience is unique, we are not alone in our imperfection or pain.

Mindfulness is sitting with what is in the present moment. If the present moment is filled with feelings of shame, mindfulness is becoming aware of the shame and sitting with it. In self-compassion, mindfulness includes being aware of how we are talking to and treating ourselves. It’s being mindful and aware of our negative inner critic.

Recognizing Your Negative Inner Critic

It’s possible your negative inner critic controls you, and you don’t even know it. Awareness is the first step to freedom. If you have no awareness your inner critic is there and what it’s speaking to you, it has control over your thoughts, beliefs, and behaviors. Being able to recognize your inner critic will help empower you to shift the way you talk to yourself, and understanding your inner critic can be the biggest window into where you’re hurting most.

Here’s a simple exercise for recognizing your negative inner critic:

• Think of a behavior you’ve been trying to change.
  For example, it could be something like “I’m trying to be on social media less throughout the day.”
• Think about what your negative inner critic says when you mess up in trying to change this behavior.
  Be specific. What is the tone your inner critic uses? What are the exact words you hear in your head or say to yourself? For example, maybe you hear something like “You’re such a screw-up.”
• Explore what you think is the motivation behind your inner critic.
  Is your inner critic wanting to warn you or protect you from something? Or maybe your inner critic is trying to keep you from harm or dangerous situations that happened in the past. Perhaps your inner critic is trying to motivate you, like a poor coach trying to help you grow.
• Think about or write down a more compassionate way to speak to yourself when you make a mistake in trying to change this behavior.
  It could be something like, “I know that you’re only trying to motivate me, but it’s okay for me to make mistakes. This is hard for me because social media is my escape, and that’s okay. I’ll keep trying.” It might even be helpful to name your negative inner critic something like “Angry Ann” or “Judgmental Jared” to help put a name to the voice. Just make sure you’re gentle and kind as you speak to yourself.

Treating Yourself Like You Treat A Friend

In healthy friendships, we tend to see the best in the other person. While we don’t excuse or avoid their mistakes, we’re there to remind them that failing is a part of life and they aren’t alone. We encourage them to try new things and challenge them because we want to see them grow. We’re there to sit with them when things are difficult and remind them that it’s okay not to have it all figured out.

In the same way, treating ourselves like we treat a good friend means seeing the best in ourselves. It means taking responsibility for the ways we fail, and reminding ourselves that failing is a normal part of life and everyone does it. It means encouraging ourselves to take healthy risks, even if they don’t turn out the way we think they will. It means taking time to sit with ourselves and remember that who we are is enough, and we don’t have to be perfect on the inside or the outside.

It’s reminding ourselves that while we may make mistakes, we’re not a mistake.

It’s giving ourselves the grace to be human because we’re worthy of that.

Reach Out

If this is an area in your life you feel you need support in, that’s okay! A therapist could be the partner or patient listener you need to help plan out a path to deeper healing and freedom. Therapy is for everyone, and it only takes one step: showing up. Consider taking the first step by reaching out today, and see if one of our therapists would be a great fit for you today!