Conflict. So many of us live our lives trying so hard to avoid conflict. We might use humor, avoidance, excessive talking, or ignorance, to name a few, in order to distract ourselves or our partner from the fact that conflict is threatening to creep its way in. So many of us seek to avoid conflict in order to preserve our relationships. But is avoiding conflict really protecting our relationships? Could it be hurting them?

I recently had the opportunity to learn from an online couples workshop focusing on helping individuals work through conflict with their partner in order to foster connection. Something that really stuck out from the workshop was the idea that avoiding or suppressing conflict does not preserve our connection in a relationship, but actually hinders it. How can this be? We often associate conflict with fighting and destruction but conflict that is healthy can actually foster intimacy and connection in relationships.

In order to have intimacy, mutual vulnerability and trust is required. And conflict can either stifle openness and intimacy, or allow for vulnerability increasing intimacy between couples. But how might we begin to take part in healthy conflict?

Understanding Where to Start

John Gotman, a leading marriage and relational expert coined the Four Horsemen, what he considered to be unhealthy communication styles that show up in destructive conflict. These four methods include criticism, contempt (assuming a position of moral superiority over your partner), defensiveness, and stonewalling (shutting down and withdrawing). There is a high chance that at least one of the four horsemen if not more, show up in conflict in many relationships. But, there is also hope that it does not have to be this way!

The key in changing conflict from unhealthy to healthy, is laying the foundation of meeting our partner with empathy, curiosity and mutual respect. When conflict arises, it is often our normal response to put up our defenses to protect ourselves from getting hurt. It can feel safe or easy to get defensive and shut down. The key during moments like these is to try and approach your partner with empathy; seek to understand that they themselves are probably hurting in some way and seek to truly understand their side and respect their feelings.

But Vulnerability Feels Hard

Why might it be so easy to become defensive or shut down instead of opening ourselves to our partner during conflict? Vulnerability comes with the chance to be hurt and often it feels simpler to hold our partner at arms length than let them in. And we become defensive, criticize or shut down keeping distance, convincing ourselves we are safer that way.

In order to foster understanding, connection and trust, here are some things to try implementing into communication with your partner.

1. What am I feeling? 

It is important that we assess how we are feeling and lead with that when seeking to communicate with our partner about conflict. Perhaps it feels easy to blame our partner and make assumptions about them or their actions, but instead try communicating how their actions are making you feel. And if you are on the receiving end, consider how you feel when hearing your partner bring up a difficult conversation.

2. Look for the feeling under the frustration

Whether you are the one who is feeling frustrated or the one who can tell your partner is becoming frustrated, try to assess if you/they are feeling shame, sadness, or fear? Often anger or frustration can be a secondary emotion to what is underneath. Seek to understand what is leading you/them to feel sad, fearful or ashamed.

3. “That makes sense”

Our first response when we feel threatened is often to defend ourselves. Jumping to defensiveness or anger can often leave our partner feeling invalidated. Instead seek to truly understand how they are feeling. Ask questions to better know your partner and once you understand, seek to validate that it makes sense that your partner would feel that way.

4. “Thank you for telling me” 

In order to foster vulnerability and intimacy our partner must feel that we are a safe place for them to trust. Thanking them for taking the time to tell you and be vulnerable with how they are feeling, can help promote trust and comfortability.

5. “I don’t want you to feel that way”

Oftentimes when our partner comes to us sharing how we have hurt them our first response can be defensiveness or contempt but this will leave our partner feeling invalidated. Instead of invalidating them or taking your partner’s expressed hurt feelings as blame that you are a bad partner, remind them that  you don’t want them to feel that way.

Start Small and Seek Support

Whether you implement one of these or all of them, you are on the right path towards improving communication and intimacy with your partner. In working to improve communication in conflict, seek to come to agree on a way to move forward for the both of you. Additionally, recognize warning signs of when one or both of you need to take a step back and take time to think or cool down.

Reach Out

Whoever coined the term “communication is key” was not mistaken. Changing communication and conflict management in your relationship could have the ability to turn your relationship around and bring you and your partner closer together.

If you are struggling to communicate, understand you or your partner’s emotions, or struggling with trust and vulnerability, individual or couples counseling can be a place for you to grow, learn and flourish. Reach out to get started today!