“I Feel with My Hands”

I remember growing up as a little boy and asking grown men how they felt. To me, it was a way to have conversations with people. Person A says how are you feeling? Person B says I’m feeling fine, how are you? But I specifically remember encounters with men that veered away from the script, and I felt baffled every time it happened. It went a little something like this:

Me: How are you feeling today?

Man: How do I feel??? (Pats himself down, looks at me and smiles really big) I feel with my hands.

Huh? I feel with my hands? I felt confused. But now reflecting back, I understand where they were coming from.

Men Traditionally Have Been Socialized to Avoid Being Human

As I reminisce on those encounters, I understand that the men did not have space to feel from their hearts for their survival. They went through experiences that made them feel stronger when they didn’t show their feelings. Whether that meant fighting in a politically driven war, gang wars, daily wars in hostile environments at work, or fighting against the war of racism, they were able to fulfill their goals in those environments for the sake of surviving to see another paycheck. Or to see another day.

In those cases, it was very necessary for them to hide their feelings to accomplish their goals. And after surviving these overwhelming situations, strength became synonymous with not feeling emotions. These messages started way before those circumstances though.

Little boys have traditionally been socialized to hide their feelings too, and have felt stronger because of it. I’ve heard many other men’s boyhood stories when they told of hearing mantras like “real men don’t cry,” “suck it up,” or “throw some dirt on it and it’ll be ok.” These sayings usually came from men in their lives who were surviving cruel and cold conditions in the world. In different scenarios of survival, those messages were useful.  And over time, these behaviors became automatic across situations that were useful, and where they weren’t so useful.

I have also heard many stories of men being accused of not opening up, lacking emotional intelligence, and having a hard time emotionally connecting with people that love them. I’m not here to add to that. I’m here to offer a different perspective. What if emotionally shutting down in environments requiring survival has been useful…only in those environments? What if there’s an opportunity to learn different ways of existing that can help you feel more human in different situations?

What is True Strength?

Among many men, avoiding unpleasant feelings has been a way to stay the course to true strength. But what is “true” strength? What if for the sake of this conversation, we based the answer on what your goals are?

There’s an example in Acceptance Commitment Therapy that effectively addresses this topic. It begins with a scenario about two different pictures of a building. One picture is an artistic rendering, and the other a blueprint of the building. The question is, “Which is a true depiction of the building?” The answer is that it all depends on your goals.

If a person sets a goal to simply recognize the building on the street, then the artistic rendering would be the “true” depiction. If another person sets a goal to safely renovate the building, then the blueprint would be the “true” depiction. With that being said, what is “true” strength? If your goal is to compete well in sports, then weight training and cardio may lead to “true” strength for you. If you want to save face in a crowd of critics, then a stone face may be “true” strength for you. And if you want to connect with yourself and people you care about, then “true” strength may reside in feeling your emotions. Both pleasant and unpleasant.

I would like to invite you to adventure with me a bit further. What if there is a form of strength that involves responding instead of reacting from your feelings? Here’s the difference between responding and reacting; Responding is taking control of yourself by making conscious choices in different scenarios. Reacting is losing control when unconscious choices take control of you in different scenarios.

Pink Elephants

There are a couple of popular beliefs among men when it comes to feelings. The first one is that we shouldn’t feel our feelings. The second one is that if we push our feelings away, then that’s how we weaken them. I would like to offer a different perspective through a quick little game.

In order to win the game, you can’t think about pink elephants. That’s how you do it. Don’t think about pink elephants. Whatever you do, just make sure that you don’t think about pink elephants, and you take home the gold. Got it? Ok, cool. What are you thinking about right now? Pink elephants. If you are thinking about something different, I invite you to ask yourself how you knew to think about something different? Could it be that you thought about pink elephants and then switched over to something different?

Now let’s apply this to everyday life. What if you try not to feel angry, and you end up doing things that you don’t want to do because you push your angry feelings away? Or maybe you try not to feel sadness or disappointment, and you end up doing things that you don’t want to, to avoid those feelings? In these cases, could it be that you aren’t actually controlling your feelings? Could it be possible that your feelings are controlling you when you push them away?

In these situations, opening up options for responses to your feelings could increase a different kind of strength towards different goals. It is a way to connect with your authentic self, to respect your authentic self, and to respond to different moments instead of reacting. That way, you’re in the driver’s seat instead of being dragged around by feelings that you’re “weakening” by pushing them away.

What Can You Do About It?

Making a practice of noticing your thoughts and feelings is a great place to start. This is where mindfulness can be useful. The core of mindfulness is increasing your ability to control where you place your attention. You can practice by chewing your food slowly and noticing all the flavors. This can also be accomplished by walking down the street slowly, and noticing things around you. And when you have thoughts and feelings, you can notice them and take a step back to consider how you would like to move forward.

If you slow down and make it your goal to notice the roses in the garden of your journey, and you decide that one way to enhance your noticing is by feeling with your hands, then by all means, go for it. Unless, of course, there are “please do not touch the flowers” signs.