According to a 2024 Vogue article, Premarital Counseling is the latest trend, with over one-third of Gen-Z and millennial couples opting for this before exchanging wedding vows. Interestingly, the past decade has seen a decline in both divorces and marriages. Despite fewer couples tying the knot, those who do are staying together longer. One significant factor contributing to this shift is the growing emphasis on mental wellness and healthy relationships.

If you’re considering an engagement or if your relationship is becoming more serious, premarital counseling—often called PMC—might be the perfect bridge to address any potential concerns.

Overcoming Hesitations About Premarital Counseling

Many couples hesitate to engage in premarital counseling due to fear of the unknown, skepticism about its effectiveness, or an overestimation of their conflict management skills. A common worry is discovering something unresolvable that could damage or end the relationship.

These concerns are completely valid. However, it’s worth reflecting on whether you’d prefer to uncover potential issues now, when they might be more manageable, or later, when the stakes are higher. Addressing misaligned values is much easier without the presence of the “four horsemen”: criticism, contempt, stonewalling, and defensiveness. For more on these relational pitfalls, check out this article on Relationships and the Magic Ratio by licensed therapist Zach Seifert.

The Purpose and Benefits of Premarital Counseling

Premarital counseling isn’t just about resolving current issues—it’s about learning skills for having healing conversations. Next month, I’ll delve deeper into the benefits of these conversations. For now, suffice it to say that they enhance our understanding and appreciation of our partners. Effective communication aids like validation support relational connection and attunement.

Many couples believe they already have the tools for these conversations but often struggle to find common ground and feel heard. Feeling heard fosters intimacy and vulnerability, skills honed throughout the premarital counseling process.

Creating Your Relationship Blueprint

During premarital counseling, you, your partner, and your therapist will create a blueprint for your relationship. Many therapists offer specific outlines or modalities, including assessments designed for premarital counseling. The key is that your therapist should remain flexible, adjusting to your and your partner’s specific needs.

At Optimum Joy, many of our clinicians specialize in premarital counseling and marriage and family therapy. Our goal is to help you and your partner hear one another better, foster relational restoration, and equip you with tools to use throughout your relationship.

Important Topics for Premarital Counseling

Premarital counseling helps couples align on their values and vision for the future. It provides a structured space to discuss important topics and ensures both partners are on the same page. Here are some starter questions to help you get started:

Questions About Values:

• How do you define a happy, loving, and fulfilling marriage?
• Who are your positive relationship role models for marriage? Whose marriage do you admire and why?
• How will you practice your religion or spirituality? Will you raise your children in your religion or spiritual tradition?
• What does betrayal and infidelity mean to you?
• What are your expectations or boundaries around relationships outside the marriage, such as friendships or co-worker relationships?
• How do you deal with conflicts that cannot be resolved?
• What is your relationship with money? What are your feelings about having or managing debt?
• What are your ideas around the division of household chores?
• How important is your sexual relationship? What are your expectations around intimacy and sex?
• How do you imagine relating to your family of origin when you have your own family?

Questions About Vision:

• Where do we see ourselves in 10, 20, or 30 years?
• How do we envision our retirement years?
• What are our dreams for our family’s future?
• How will we handle potential life challenges, like illnesses or career changes?
• How do we want to be remembered as a couple?
• How do we plan to foster personal growth in each other?
• Are there hobbies or skills we want to learn together?
• How will we handle it if one of us undergoes a significant personal change?
• How can we ensure we grow together rather than apart?
• How do we feel about taking breaks or retreats for personal or marital growth?

Questions to Ask Your Therapist

• What is your approach to premarital counseling?
• How many sessions do you typically recommend?
• What success rate have you had with couples you’ve counseled?
• How do you handle confidentiality in your sessions?
• Can you provide references or testimonials from previous clients?

By addressing these questions and topics in premarital counseling, you’ll be better prepared to build a strong, resilient, and loving marriage.