In part one, we learned that shame is the lie about our identity that we are not good enough, and that it always wants to isolate us. It is different from guilt, which communicates that a behavior was a mistake and helps us make amends and do better next time. While feeling shame is inevitable, we learned we can learn to build shame resilience by identifying our shame triggers, checking the underlying expectations, being vulnerable with others, and name and verbalize our experience of shame.

Personally, I’ve been working through my shame triggers for the last couple of years, trying to work through the “not good enough” voice. One of the things I’ve wrestled with in this process is the role of shame. I believe that emotions are not good or bad, some are just harder to sit with, and they ultimately just show us what is going on inside of us. But when it came to shame, I had a hard time not just labeling it bad. Is shame an exception?

Redeeming Shame

The thing is, emotions connect us not only with ourselves if we are curious about what is going on inside, but also with others if we are vulnerable with them in and about our emotions. We all know the connection that is formed when we share our emotions with others and receive empathy, care, and support.

With shame, if we practice shame resilience and go to others in vulnerability and receive empathy, it can actually bring us closer to others. When we share that we made a mistake and feel like a failure, or don’t feel good enough in our job or as a mom, others can call out the lie and offer us the relief of saying, “me too.” Then we are not alone, and even cared for and loved in our imperfection.

If we take the examples from part one, the little girl might ask her mom, “am I a bad kid?” Mom can affirm that she is a good kid and loved, and she just made a mistake (mom can do this right away to head off the shame too). The mom could share with another mom her shame of not being able to do it all, and feel seen in the mom sharing the same and both encouraging each other in doing their best with the mental, physical, and social resources they have.

It doesn’t seem like a mistake that the antidote to shame is empathy. If we can only go to others, they can remind us that we’re not alone in the struggle of shame, call out the lie, and remind us that we are loved despite our imperfection. The key is to be able to recognize when we feel shame and not let it isolate us, either withdrawing within ourselves or lashing out and creating distance. The more we develop the habit of recognizing shame and the false expectations it holds us to and going to others, the more we will feel comfortable doing so. We will never be rid of shame, but we don’t have to let it have power over us.

A Note on Shame and Christianity

If you hold Christian faith, the beauty of the gospel is that “God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” (Romans 5:8 NIV). We are not good enough and we don’t have to be because Jesus was good enough. We are imperfect humans and we are so loved. God pursues us and Jesus died for us so we can be in the right relationship with Him. We don’t have to strive to be good enough to be loved, but to accept God’s unconditional love and trust in Jesus’ completed work on the cross. Shame has the power to show us the vastness of God’s love. When we rest in this love, we can resist the enemy’s lie that we are bad, not good enough, and not lovable. We can rest in the arms of our Father, and partner with Him to do good in the world.

Reach Out

I’ll end this how I started, shame is everywhere. It’s not a question of if we will feel it, but when. However, the better we are in using the steps to work through it, the less impact it will have on us. And the more we bring others into the process by being vulnerable ourselves and showing empathy to others, the more we heal ourselves, our families, and our communities. I think healing our shame is one of the most powerful things we can do for ourselves and our mental health. But remember, you don’t have to do it alone. Don’t hesitate to reach out and get started today with a therapist.