If there is one issue that consistently comes up in therapy, and not only comes up, but is a root issue that wreaks havoc, it is shame. Shame is everywhere. It does not discriminate by age, race, gender. It is not always obvious, but when we dig into the root causes of an issue, it is often a driving force and a festering wound.

What is Shame?

Shame is the lie that we are not good enough, that we are a failure, and that we essentially are unloveable. It is different from guilt, which tells us that we messed up or made a mistake. Guilt focuses on the action. Shame focuses on our identity. Shame can paralyze us and it can motivate us to do whatever we can to prove it wrong. While guilt can lead us to reflect on our actions and learn, and apologize and make amends with others, shame always wants to isolate us.

Let’s give an example. Say a girl eats a cookie when she is not supposed to, and when her mom finds out she feels guilty about it. That might be it. She apologizes, maybe loses her dessert for the night, and moves on. But depending on the kid and/or how her mom handles the situation, she may feel shame as well as guilt. She may not just feel that she made a mistake, but that she is a bad kid. From this place, she might withdraw, believing the worst about herself. Or, might she fight back, telling her mom that she didn’t do it, that it is a stupid rule, etc. because she can’t sit with the shame that she is bad. In both responses, the girl experiences separation from her mom. One in withdrawal, the other in resistance.

Another one: A mother is trying to do everything for her family. Take care of her kids, her husband, her work responsibilities. She manages everything pretty well, but she’s not able to keep it all in balance all of the time. And of course not, she’s not superhuman! But she feels she should be able to do it all; doesn’t everyone else? There must be something wrong with her. She’s not a good enough mom, wife, employee, forget about friends. here it is again, shame. She may be afraid to be open with her family and others because they would just look down on her. She may run herself ragged, trying to keep doing it all to prove that the shame is wrong. This leaves her run down, irritable, and probably resentful, as well as isolated, as always.

What Shame Does

See, shame doesn’t just feed us lies about ourselves. It also keeps us isolated from others because we are too ashamed to open up to anyone; who would still love us if they knew how bad we were? So we withdraw, mask, try harder, or even become arrogant and prideful to hide our shame.

The tricky thing about shame is that we are imperfect humans. We do make mistakes, we do hurt people, we can’t do everything. We can often learn to manage the guilt of making a mistake, but the voice of shame attacking our identity lingers.

What Can We Do

Brene Brown, a prominent shame researcher, promotes the idea of developing shame resilience in her book I thought it was just me (but it isn’t): Making the journey from “What will people think?” to “I am enough.” Shame is unescapable, so we need to develop tools to move through it and not let it take us captive. Her framework is very helpful. Her shame resilience model has four steps: recognize and understand your shame triggers, practice critical awareness of the expectations influencing your shame, be willing to reach out to others, and learn to communicate about and through your shame.

Brown teaches that shame triggers are influenced both by our personal lives and societal expectations and vary for women and men. She also emphasizes the importance of connecting with others because empathy is the antidote to shame. Shame’s MO is to isolate, so we can take away its power by being vulnerable with others. If we choose safe people to do this with, their empathy and love dissipates the shame. Curt Thompson also emphasizes this as well in his book, The Soul of Shame. He shares that being vulnerable in community and receiving love and acceptance breaks the lie that shame ultimately tells us. This experience shows us that we are lovable after all!

Reach Out

While we can’t necessarily control that we will feel shame, we do have control over our response to it. Just like we can make amends and learn from our mistakes when we feel guilty, we can practice building resilience to shame. Working with a therapist can be helpful as you learn to identify your shame triggers, check the underlying expectations, practice being vulnerable with others, and name and verbalize the experience of your shame.

Be on the lookout for part two where I’ll further discuss how to work through shame, and even redeem it. Consider reaching out today to get started!