Has someone ever told you to sit with your feelings, maybe your therapist, and you found yourself confused or even irritated? Because what does it even mean to sit with your feelings? Unfortunately, as most things, it is different for everyone. We can spend some time exploring one option of this now though.

We will review an Internal Family Systems (IFS) based technique shortly, but before we do take a deep breath and notice. Take a deep breath and notice your body and your thoughts. Notice any tension, heaviness, energy, discomfort, and thoughts telling yourself that this is silly or unhelpful. When we begin this technique it is important to curiously and non-judgmentally accept where we are with our emotions and thoughts. We don’t try to change anything right away, we just notice.

You may come up blank with any emotions or emotion related thoughts even, so the next question we might ask ourselves is, “What am I avoiding feeling? What am I avoiding thinking about?”

How do I feel about this feeling?

Now that we have identified a target part of yourself to focus on, notice how you feel about this part of yourself. Do you feel empathy and kindness? Do you feel anger that this part of yourself exists? Do you feel sad that this is where you are? Try to sit with the focus on this part and strip away the judgement. Some might find it helpful to view this part as a child or something outside of ourselves we hold less judgment for.

Observe this part without judgement and notice how your body feels it? What do we imagine as we observe? Do memories come up? Give yourself a few minutes to observe before we allow ourselves to begin investigating.

What is this feeling telling me?

Feelings are reactions to our life experiences that build on all of our previous life experiences. Among other things, feelings can tell us when we are safe, unsafe, or in uncharted territory. This is when the “sitting” begins. We “sit” and listen to what the feeling is communicating to us. This takes time and meditation and may very well lead us to another feeling it was covering up and we begin the process again. As we listen and wait to hear from the feeling, we notice if our relationship with the feeling changes. Do we feel more curious? More compassionate? Less understanding? Impatient? Reorient yourself so that you can approach non-judgmentally with compassion.

In this space of listening to our feelings, some people like to lean into meditative and imaginative processes. You may want to imagine taking this feeling to coffee or ice cream or even going on a walk together. Unfortunately there is no “right” way to do this, so lean into what works for you and don’t be afraid to experiment.

I don’t feel better yet…

This may be where the healing occurs or where the frustration sets in. Now that you have “sat” with your feeling, there are a few outcomes. You may notice that you feel better and more connected with yourself. This may mean that your feeling just wanted to be heard and understood to feel grounded in the present and know that you are safe at the moment even if you were not safe before.

On the other hand, the feeling may stick around even after giving it attention. This does not mean that you did this wrong or that it did not work, it simply means the work isn’t over. Earlier we discussed how some feelings want attention and other feelings give direction. Spending time understanding your feelings gives direction in what to do next. After sitting with anger, did you notice feelings of rejection, abandonment, fear, anxiety, and maybe something else? Now instead of acting through your anger, you can take active steps to rebuild the relationship you are anxious about losing or you can advocate for yourself in your feelings of abandonment. This gives a much clearer direction to work in. What direction is your feeling leading you in? We keep following these clues, until we reach a point where we can either mourn and move forward or take action to change.