“Conceal…don’t feel…don’t let it show…”

This tends to be the mantra a lot of us live by when uncomfortable emotions crop up, and sometimes we don’t even realize we’re doing it. This can be rooted in how we were raised or past experiences where we learned to hide our emotions to protect ourselves. Whatever the cause, this practice no longer serves us, and in some cases, it can stunt our healing process.

Why Are Emotions Important?

Our emotions can be the greatest door to our deepest healing. Dr. Jason Linder makes the claim that emotions can be like an inner compass, directing us to unmet needs and unresolved pains. When we suppress emotions or avoid them, they not only grow stronger, but they also cause other issues in our lives and relationships.

Choosing to process emotions can lead not only to relief but to deeper understanding about what matters to you most. If you’re angry, it could mean an injustice has been done to you or someone you care about. If you’re sad, it could mean you’re disappointed by an outcome or hurt by a specific experience. If you’re feeling resentful, it could mean there’s been unprocessed hurt or mistreatment in a relationship. What you bury alive will inevitably come back to haunt you. Which means feelings won’t go away if you avoid them, but maybe it’s possible to start viewing them in a different light.

Redefining “Good” and “Bad” Emotions

Emotions are neither good nor bad; they just are. You don’t wake up in the morning and make the choice to be grumpy; you simply wake up and feel grumpy. Emotions like anger, sadness, or fear often get a bad reputation for being “bad” feelings. When in reality, these emotions aren’t bad; they’re just uncomfortable. While our response to these emotions can be unhealthy or our behavior can be harmful, anger, fear, and sadness can be very helpful emotions in the healing and grieving process.

To put it another way, anger can often be a secondary emotion. What this means is that while anger is what you feel on the surface, there is a primary emotion underneath the anger. Your anger is covering up a deeper feeling. For example, if you’re criticized in a work meeting in front of everyone, you might initially feel angry, but if you were to explore underneath the anger, you would find emotions like embarrassment and hurt. You’re embarrassed that your weaknesses were put on display for all your coworkers to see, and you’re hurt that this individual decided to demean you in this way. By building an emotional vocabulary and exploring what is under our secondary emotions, we can begin to make connections to what we’re truly feeling and needing.

Building An Emotional Vocabulary

If you’re struggling with where to start, begin with a feelings list or wheel. There are plenty online to choose from, but the Hoffman Institute has one that includes body sensations as well. Body sensations can be a helpful place to start if you struggle to recognize what you’re feeling because oftentimes our bodies know what we’re feeling before we do. The main goal is starting to become aware of what you’re feeling at any moment. Awareness leads to understanding, and understanding to healing and freedom.

For a feelings wheel, start with the innermost circle to identify what you’re feeling initially, and work your way out to the outermost circle to dig deeper and identify what you’re feeling under that initial emotion. Building an emotional vocabulary and becoming aware of your emotions takes time, but it’s well worth it in the long run. After all, if you don’t feel it now, you’ll feel it later.

If this is an area in your life you feel you need support in, that’s okay! A therapist could be the partner and patient listener you need to help plan out a path to deeper healing and freedom. Therapy is for everyone, and it only takes one step: showing up. Take that first step today, and see if one of our therapists would be a great fit for you! Reach out today to get started.