“Mom!!! 5 more minutes with the tablet before bed! I don’t even have to listen to you anyways.”

“Sister stole that from me! She’s so STUPID.”

“HEY! That’s my book – you can’t have it!”

These are all responses that come from an emotional reaction in your child and are expressed in a disrespectful way. I’m going to go ahead and guess that a pretty typical parent response to this might be, “You do not talk to me like that! Go to your room!” or, “Give the tablet to your sister right now! 1…2…3…” I want to offer a different way to respond that puts connection at the center and encourages problem solving and emotional regulation in the moment – a re-do!

What’s a re-do?

A re-do is simply a playful way to say, “Hey, I know you know how to treat me/others with respect, so let’s try that again.” A re-do is a way to teach and allow children to replace an inappropriate behavior with an appropriate one. It encourages children to use their problem-solving skills and teaches them to regulate in the moment.

“When we give children advice or instant solutions, we deprive them of the experience that comes from wrestling with their own problems.”

― Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish, How To Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk

Let’s try a different parent response with 1) acknowledging the emotion and 2) offering a second chance.

“Woah! I can see that me asking you to go to bed was upsetting. Let’s try that again with respect.”

“We do not call people stupid in this family because it goes against our value of being respectful. Let’s go back and try that one again.”

“Your book really matters to you, but it shows that we care about our friends when we share with them, so let’s have a re-do on that one.”

But first…

A re-do is something you will have to teach your child before trying it. Explain to them the concept of a re-do and practice using a role-play so that you know your child understands. Then, whenever a good moment for a re-do comes along, go ahead and try it out! Some families use different language around this, so pick what fits best with your family. I’ve heard of families having an imaginary red button and they’ll just say, “Red button!” or “Restart button!” when they need a re-do. Some families call it a do-over. Some families have a code word for it. Choose what feels best for your family and roll with it.

Here’s the thing:

I’m going to let you into a little re-do secret – it works so much better if it is playful. Something like, “Yeehaw that was a loud yell!” or, “Well by-golly that was a hard ask for you,” or, “I heard a little velociraptor in that one!” I would like to note that playful responses work all the way from little ones to grumpy teens. If you can diffuse the situation with a little silly phrase, it’s a win.

I’m going to call out something I see in parents a lot with re-dos… Have you ever held a grudge? Post breakup with an ex? A friend said something in passing that hurt a little and you hold that against them? Spouse said the wrong thing about your outfit and you don’t forgive them for days? Sometimes parents hold little grudges against their kids. They personalize their child’s behavior as something their child did to them or something that was so unacceptable they just can’t let it go. This little grudge defeats the entire purpose of a re-do.

After the do-over, let it be over.

That’s that. Pat pat – wash your hands clean. Let it go. What happened two hours ago does not have to bleed into what is happening now. What happened yesterday does not have to carry into today. Let the morning bring a new day.

Fresh-starts and re-dos all year long. Doesn’t this give you a nice feeling, even for us adults? This unlimited re-do card creates a sense of safety – what all kids are truly longing for. If you can give them that safety, even in discipline, that will eventually start showing up in their behavior. Through a re-do, you are teaching them how to wrestle with their own behavior, problem solve, increase self-awareness, learn emotional regulation, and treat others with respect.

Hey, parent, you’re doing a good job. You get fresh-starts and re-dos all year long too, so take advantage.

Check out these resources: The Connected Child by Dr. Karyn Purvis, Dr. David Cross, and Wendy Sunshine and The Connected Parent by Dr. Karyn Purvis and Lisa Qualls