Eating disorders are extremely challenging and complex disorders to struggle with and having a loved one in your life struggling with an eating disorder can also be a challenge. Although you want to help, it can oftentimes be hard to understand how you can help, what to do to help, or what your loved one needs. There can be a fear of making things worse or saying the wrong thing. Not to mention, the misinformation, lack of public education and misunderstandings about what eating disorders are and how they show up can be incredibly confusing and daunting.

Below are eight different tips and approaches for how to support a loved one struggling with an eating disorder in order to help you to feel empowered and prepared to support your loved one practically in the day-to-day:

Practical Ways to Help:

1. Don’t underestimate the power of mere presence.

   Oftentimes when it comes to our loved ones, there is a desire to “fix” things or to find a solution to the problem in order to reduce the individual’s suffering or sadness. However, as a loved one, merely being present can make a huge difference in giving a person a sense of safety and community during a challenge. Telling the person you love them, listening when they need someone to talk to, simply asking “how can I support you today?” or giving them a hug has enormous power.

2. Suggest professional help.

The psychological literature indicates that people who are diagnosed with eating disorders oftentimes have high rates of trauma. Additionally, there was a huge rise in eating disorder diagnoses during the COVID-19 pandemic; when there are uncontrollable external factors, we try to control our inner worlds. Genetics have also been found to play a large role in whether or not someone is likely to develop an eating disorder. What all this information indicates is that eating disorders are deeply complex, formed from both internal and external factors. As a loved one, suggesting professional therapy for the individual and understanding that, again, you cannot be solely responsible for “fixing” their struggles, is extremely important.

3. Don’t make assumptions and approach your loved one with curiosity and a desire to understand what their thoughts/fears are.

There is a huge misconception that eating disorders are always primarily based around body image, a desire to be thin or that eating disorders primarily affect caucasian teenage girls. Although body image can be a cause or a major contributing factor of the eating disorder, root causes of these behaviors can be varied or separate from body image. For this reason, actively choosing not to make assumptions about why someone may be behaving the way they are and giving your loved one the opportunity to express their thoughts/feelings in a non-judgemental space decreases the changes of miscommunication or misunderstandings.

4. Offer them a sense of control in ways unrelated to food.

As mentioned in the previous point, eating disorders are oftentimes largely influenced by a desire for control and the fear that so often arises when control or safety is threatened. Offering choice or a sense of control in small ways can be a small but meaningful way to help them. Below are some examples:

• • “We could either go to the store via subway, uber or walking. Do you have a preference on how we get there?”
  • “The choices of movies showing at the theatre are a horror movie, action movie or a rom-com. Which one would you like to see tonight?
  • “I’m happy to either meet you at the venue or we could meet up beforehand and walk together. Do you have thoughts?”

5. Give non-body image related compliments.

If the individual’s eating disorder is related to their body image or physical appearance, intentionally reminding your loved one of all the qualities you appreciate about them that aren’t image-related can be incredibly healing. Especially in a culture that is largely based around image and comparison (i.e people on instagram, models) it can be powerful to remind your loved one of why you love them, unrelated to their body size, to intentionally emphasize their value, regardless of their appearance. This might look like commenting on their values, a quality you admire about them, an accessory they are wearing or a talent they have that can be affirmed.

6. Don’t cover up negative consequences of the eating disorder (i.e. giving in to only giving them “safe” foods or cleaning up food they hide).

Although the reasoning behind this can be caring and rooted in a desire to make these struggles easier to handle, the reality is covering up these negative aspects of an eating disorder can oftentimes be enabling, allowing the person to get the benefits of an eating disorder without having to confront the ways in which the eating disorder is hurting them. In fact, eating disorders oftentimes feel like a safe place or helpful coping tool for the sufferer, causing negative aspects of the disorder to be overlooked. Instead, affirm your love and care for the person while also non-judgementally acknowledging/not covering up the harmful results.

7. Take care of yourself.

Helping someone with an eating disorder can come with a lot of emotions and challenges, and sometimes requires skills such as patience. For this reason, it is imperative that your needs are not neglected and that you are getting the support necessary in order to show up for your loved one; pouring from an empty cup is unsustainable. Taking steps such as meeting with your own therapist, joining a support group, prioritizing time to do things you love and implementing healthy habits such as exercise and journaling will ultimately help you show up and be the best version of yourself for those that need you.

8. Don’t be afraid to name the eating disorder.

Talking about mental health, and especially eating disorders, can be uncomfortable, leading to the eating disorder being tip-toed around. However, there can also be immense value in acknowledging the eating disorder outright and calling it for what it is. Asking questions such as, “How can I support you with your eating disorder recovery goals today?” or “is this behavior you talking to you or is it the anorexia talking to you?” can be a helpful step in this direction.

In Conclusion

Although eating disorders can be extremely challenging, recovery is possible and there is always hope, even in the midst of even the darkest moments. By understanding the ways in which you are not only able to support your loved one but also care for yourself, recovery can become even more feasible and manageable.

Related Optimum Joy Blog Articles:

• 40 Inspiring Eating Disorder Recovery Quotes 
• Mindfulness Eating with Covid-19 Taste & Smell Disorders
• Freedom > Food Fear
• Food and Our Mood

Related Academic Articles:

• Trauma and eating disorders: an integrated umbrella and scoping review 
• The impacts of COVID-19 on eating disorders and disordered eating: A mixed studies systematic review and implications
• Gene variants in eating disorders. Focus on anorexia nervosa, bulimia nervosa, and binge-eating disorder