We spend a lot of time thinking each day, but there’s even more that we don’t consciously think about. So much of what we do was learned long ago and rarely questioned since. For example, do you brush your teeth before or after coffee? When did you learn that habit? Do you wear shoes in the house? Who taught you that was “normal”?

Learning and Unlearning

We absorb these behaviors, large and small, by watching our families, friends, and communities. This learning begins when we’re babies, using our mirror neurons to make sense of the world. While parents consciously teach us many things, they end up teaching us far more unconsciously like how to argue, how to love, how to disagree, and even how to view people.

I wish I could tell you there’s one simple trick to fully understand yourself, but there isn’t. The beauty (and sometimes frustration) of being human is that we’re extremely complicated. We can spend a lifetime learning about ourselves and still be surprised by what we discover.

One of the most common questions I hear in therapy is: Where do I even start?

There’s no single answer, but one surprisingly powerful place to begin is by understanding other people. Particularly understanding the people who raised and shaped us. That’s where a genogram can be such a helpful tool.

A genogram is a type of diagram that maps out your family (or chosen family) across generations. At first glance it looks like a family tree, but it’s more intentional. It highlights relationships, patterns, and emotional connections that influence who we are today.

Getting Started

We start with you at the bottom and work backward. While there’s a standard key most genograms follow, the most important thing is that you understand your version. If something feels significant, it probably is. Add your own symbols or notes to make it meaningful and personal.

Individuals:

• Female: circle
• Male: square
• Nonbinary/Unknown: triangle
• Mental health concerns: right half filled in
• Trauma: star or exclamation mark
• Addiction concerns: bottom half filled in
• Deceased: X through shape with date of passing

Connections:

• Married: solid line
• Divorced: solid line with “X” through it
• Conflict: zigzag line
• Abuse: arrow toward victim
• Distant: dotted line
• Close: double line
• Enmeshed (unhealthily close): triple line

Reflect

Once your genogram feels “complete,” take a step back and observe without judgment. What stands out? What patterns do you notice? How do you fit into these patterns? What might you have unconsciously learned about relating to others? Then, with gentle curiosity, ask yourself: Which of these patterns no longer serve me? What do I want to consciously continue, and what do I want to release?

From there, you can begin to create a plan to engage differently, to set new boundaries, to approach love and conflict in new ways. As you do, offer yourself grace. This work isn’t about blame, it’s about understanding. We grow in self-love as we grow in self-understanding. And often, the path to understanding ourselves begins by looking closely and compassionately at the people who taught us how to be human.