The cycle of abuse is a pattern of behaviors often present in abusive relationships. The cycle can be like water to a fish – you don’t really realize you’re in it when you’re in it. In one season, the relationship may be full of kindness and compassion and in another season, the victim may feel humiliated, isolated, or manipulated. Zooming out and seeing the entire cycle can be quite helpful and validating if you or someone you love may be in an emotionally abusive relationship. This cycle can also include physical abuse, but this blog post will specifically focus on the signs and impacts of emotional abuse. The 4 phases of the cycle include the tension building phase, the incident, the reconciliation phase, and the calm phase.

Tension Building Phase

In this phase, the abuser may use subtle forms of manipulation and control. There could be a significantly increased amount of criticism or blame in this phase. The victim may feel like they’re going “crazy” or made to feel that they’re overreacting. If you or a loved one may be in this phase, it’s important to notice if needs/values are consistently being ignored or belittled. Pay attention to how you feel when you’re around the abuser: are there feelings of anxiety or dread?

The Incident

This is the point in which emotional abuse reaches a peak. In the tension building phase, everything is subtle and not openly acknowledged. In emotionally abusive relationships that subtle behavior often breaks and the emotional abuser begins to use much more direct tactics like name-calling, public humiliation, or emotional blackmail. The abuser might say things like “you’re worthless without me,” or “If you really loved me, you’d do this.” The victim may feel deeply hurt in this phase, but the abuser often minimizes and invalidates this hurt, further increasing the victim’s confusion or shame. In this phase it may be helpful to document the abusive behavior for clarity and any potential future steps.

The Reconciliation Phase

After the incident, it’s common for the abuser to turn to over-the-top apologies with promises to change. The abuser may also attribute the behavior to something outside of the abuser’s control, shifting the responsibility away from the abuser. The victim may even be made to feel guilty about the abuser’s actions, made to believe that they, as the victim, were somehow responsible for the abuse. The victim often feels hope in this phase. However, it’s important to reflect if this hope is based on reality or if it is a result of continued manipulation.

The Honeymoon Phase

This phase is calm and it looks like the relationship is improving. The victim may be lulled into a sense of relief. However, this phase is fragile and deceptive. It’s often short lived and once the abuser tires of giving overly affectionate behavior or gifts to make up for past behavior, the cycle will begin again, going into the tension building phase.

If you recognize this pattern in a loved one’s life or in your own life, know that while this cycle is hard to break, it is possible to break. When physical abuse isn’t present, it can be tempting to minimize the real abuse going on- let it be known that emotional abuse is abuse. Relationships can be difficult with arguments and disagreements but ultimately, feeling loved, respected, and safe in the relationship is what is deserved.

Reach Out

Steps towards breaking an emotionally abusive cycle often involve education, setting important boundaries, trusting your instincts, and seeking professional help. Processing an emotionally abusive relationship in therapy can help you identify when the cycle of abuse is occurring, untangle the emotions, provide coping strategies, and ultimately guide you through the journey of healing.

If you’d like to seek therapy, we at Optimum Joy would love to connect with you. Know that you’re not alone and there’s hope for a better future. Reach out today!