What Is Grief?

Most of us have been touched by grief in some capacity over the course of life, whether directly or indirectly; grief of a loved one passing, losing something precious, seeing our friends say goodbye to their loved ones. Oftentimes, grief is put into a single category, as if grief isn’t layered and complex. But the reality is, grief comes in many different forms and can manifest in a multitude of different ways based on factors such as the nature of the loss and the personality type of the griever. Grief is multifaceted and complex and today, we will be talking about one face of grief: masked grief.

What Is Masked Grief?

Masked grief manifests as the name suggests: masked. It is grief that is pushed down, that is coped with tools that may give the impression that the sufferer is not, in fact, experiencing grief. Oftentimes, masked grief is at first a way to be able to get through the early days of a loss or grief, allowing you to get through tasks that need to be completed to simply make it through the day in the midst of a loss. However, when masked grief carries on long-term it can cause significant issues mentally, emotionally and even physically. For example, according to UCLA Health, grief has been shown to weaken immune system functions, leading to sufferers becoming more prone to illness or sickness. For that reason, addressing and working through masked grief is not only important for mental and emotional healing but could also contribute to positive physical health outcomes.

What Does it Look Like To Address Masked Grief?

In the beloved movie Finding Nemo, Dory and Marlin are two fish on a quest to find Marlin’s son, Nemo, who was captured from the ocean. In their journey to find Nemo, Dory and Marlin encounter a school of moonfish who offer them some directions to Sydney, Australia, the last known location of Nemo. These moonfish inform Dory and Marlin that on their way, they will encounter a trench and the moonfish say, “When you come to the trench, swim THROUGH it, not over it.” When Marlin and Dory get to the trench, however, they notice that going over the trench looks bright and sunny. Yet going through the trench looks scary, intimidating and full of unknowns. Out of their fear, Dory and Marlin swim over, rather than through, the trench and what are they met with? Swarms of jellyfish that badly sting Dory.

Oftentimes, confronting our feelings and acknowledging our grief feels a bit like confronting the trench: it feels scary, unknown and a space we just don’t want to walk into. So we choose to “get over it”, to do the thing that looks from our perspective like the safer, easier option. However, the reality is this path only lasts so long before jellyfish appear and these feelings that we so desperately are trying to hide begin bubbling to the surface. So below are six first steps in order to move along the path to healing and hopefully, these can be flashlights to guide you through the trench.

Tips for Healthy Grieving

1. Reach out for support from a mental health therapist. Masked grief is challenging to deal with on your own, due to the intense and personal emotions that come with it, but therapy can be a huge help. Therapists can offer an objective perspective as well as tangible tools to manage any emotions and thoughts you may be experiencing. Therapists can also get specializations in grief and loss counseling, so looking for/requesting a therapist with that background could be especially helpful.
2. Make a list of coping skills that you may be using in an unhelpful way (examples may include increases in alcohol consumption, isolating from social situations, constantly numbing emotions/thoughts by doomscrolling) and compile an alternative list of helpful coping tools (i.e. doing a hobby you enjoy, talking with a friend on the phone) to replace the unhelpful coping skills.
3. Keep in mind that traditionally “healthy” habits can also become unhealthy if they are done in excess or done in order to deny emotions. Examples of these behaviors might include working constantly or excessive exercise. Although distraction with work and exercise can be helpful coping skills, it is important to examine what your motivation for doing these traditionally healthy habits are. If your motivation is to deny your feelings or to bury your grief, it may be worth creating boundaries for yourself, such as setting limits on how late you stay at the office or how many hours you spend at the gym.
4. Allow yourself to feel your emotions and approach those emotions with curiosity and with self-compassion, recognizing that grief is inherently emotional. Additionally, if someone asks how you are, you don’t need to always respond with “I’m fine.” You can tell people how you’re feeling, acknowledge when days are hard or when your heart feels heavy. Recognize that these feelings, whether they are anger, sadness, fear or other challenging emotions, can be felt in a healthy, healing way.

5. Art therapy can be an extremely helpful tool, especially if you struggle with trust or being vulnerable with your feelings outright. Art is an incredible way to express/explore your emotions in a new way, without necessarily having to talk about them outright at first. Whether it’s taking an art class, meeting with an art therapist or picking up some paper and colored pencils, this could be a great first step.

6. Start reading/learning more about grief from different perspectives in order to gain insight and increase comfort around the topic. Included here are links to four blog articles from Optimum Joy blog related to grief to reference and explore further:

• • When Grief Doesn’t Look Like You Expected
  • Healing Through Grief: How Therapy Helps
  • Grief Comes in Waves: Navigating the Unpredictable Sea of Loss
  • Grief & The Missing Piece