When the “hot topic” therapy phrase “setting a boundary” came into pop culture dialogue, there was both a positive and negative impact. While people were learning about the importance and healthiness of boundary setting, there was also a blurring of the lines between boundaries and avoidance. As a therapist in this world, I often find myself startled at the amount that people have gravitated towards claiming “boundaries” when they are actually just avoiding a difficult or uncomfortable conversation. I find that people often have trouble identifying between avoidance and setting boundaries. So let’s spend some time finding the difference between the two.

Relationships can be difficult, conflict in relationships can be especially difficult. Boundaries can be transformative in relationships as they can help us to be clear about our emotional needs and limits. Avoidance, however, tends to create more confusion, hurt, and feelings of anger or betrayal as people react out of fear and anxiety.

So, what are boundaries anyways?

Boundaries refer to intentional and clearly communicated limits to promote our mental, emotional, and physical health. They are well thought out, intentional, and convey a value or need we may hold. Boundaries require one to take some time reflecting on ourselves in order to gain the self awareness and self esteem to understand our own needs and values. It requires time, reflection, thoughtfulness, and proactively taking the time to communicate those clearly with others we are in relationship with.

How does avoidance make a difference?

Avoidance, on the other hand, is usually more reactive. It is usually a type of maladaptive coping mechanism someone may use to avoid the uncomfortable or a situation that brings discomfort. In some instances, avoidance is what people do when they have not spent the time or effort to understand and communicate effectively what their needs are.

What do I do with this information now?

We all avoid at times – after all, we are human. Life is complicated and sometimes it is hard to tell the difference. When unsure if you are acting out of avoidance or boundary setting here are some helpful things to ask yourself.

Am I making this decision out of self respect and awareness or out of fear?
How do I feel about making this decision?
Am I being intentional in communicating my needs or am I just withdrawing?

Having trouble identifying the difference between avoidance and boundary setting in yourself? Meeting with a therapist individually can help you navigate through these questions, creating and maintaining boundaries that are clear and intentional. Consider reaching out today to get started.