What Kills Long Distance Relationships? (And How to Save Yours)

📅 Updated: February 12, 2025

This article was originally published in October 2024 and has been updated to include new insights and additional content.

Long-distance relationships aren’t for the faint of heart. The miles between you can either strengthen your bond or slowly chip away at it. But what kills long-distance relationships? And more importantly, how can you stop it from happening to yours?

In this article, we’ll take a closer look at the biggest challenges that can put a strain on long-distance relationships, including:

• The emotional toll of distance
• Lack of physical intimacy
• Difficulty maintaining emotional intimacy
• Communication breakdowns
• Over-reliance on technology
• Trust issues and insecurity
• Jealousy and feelings of vulnerability
• Neglecting relationship maintenance
• Imbalance between individual lives and the relationship
• Lack of future planning and goal alignment
• Incompatible life paths and priorities

Our goal is to help you recognize these challenges and give you practical ways to tackle them, so your romantic relationship stays strong and fulfilling—no matter how many miles are between you. Whether you’re in a long-distance relationship now, considering one, or just wondering how they work, you’re in the right place.

Stick with us as we break down what can make or break a long-distance relationship and, more importantly, how to keep yours thriving.

The Reality of Long-Distance Relationships: Challenges & Rewards

Long-distance relationships aren’t just about counting down the days until you’re together again—they’re about finding ways to stay connected even when miles apart. They come with their own set of challenges, from missing out on the little moments of daily life to navigating trust and communication hurdles. But they can also be incredibly meaningful and deeply rewarding when approached with the right mindset.

Distance doesn’t have to mean disconnection. The key is recognizing what kills long distance relationships so you can address those challenges head-on. With a little effort, creativity, and commitment, an LDR can be just as fulfilling—sometimes even more so—than a traditional relationship. Let’s take a closer look at what can make or break a long-distance relationship.

The Emotional Toll of Distance

The emotional toll of distance is one of the most significant challenges in long-distance relationships. The lack of physical proximity can lead to feelings of loneliness and isolation.

Lack of Physical Intimacy

Physical intimacy is a fundamental part of any romantic relationship. It’s how we show love, affection, and a sense of closeness that words sometimes can’t capture. In long-distance relationships, the absence of that physical connection—whether it’s a hug, a kiss, or even just holding hands—can feel like a huge missing piece. Over time, this lack of touch can lead to feelings of loneliness, disconnection, and frustration, no matter how strong the emotional bond is.

While technology like video calls or sharing moments through photos can help close that gap, they can’t fully replace the warmth of being in the same room or the comfort of sharing a moment in person. Being in the same place often enhances emotional intimacy and shared experiences, which are crucial for strengthening the relationship. It’s important for couples to acknowledge this challenge and talk about how it affects them. Finding creative ways to stay physically connected, like sending each other meaningful gifts, planning visits, or even creating shared routines, can help soothe that longing until you can be together again.

The Challenge of Maintaining Emotional Intimacy

Emotional intimacy can be just as challenging to maintain as physical intimacy in a long-distance relationship. It requires effort, openness, and the willingness to share your inner world with your partner—your thoughts, feelings, daily experiences, and even the little things that make you smile or frustrate you. Without this steady flow of communication, partners can start to feel emotionally distant, which can lead to misunderstandings or feelings of isolation. Maintaining this kind of intimacy is essential for ensuring high relationship quality, which affects the stability and satisfaction within the relationship.

It’s easy for conversations to become routine when you’re apart, but finding ways to keep this intimacy alive is essential for maintaining the relationship. This might mean going beyond just asking “how was your day?” and diving deeper into your thoughts or dreams for the future.

Sharing personal experiences, talking about your worries, validating each other, and supporting each other emotionally, even from afar, helps build and maintain that strong emotional connection. Regular check-ins, surprise messages of affection, and simply being present and actively listening to each other can go a long way in keeping your emotional bond strong, even when miles apart.

Communication Breakdowns

Communication is a critical part of any relationship, and it’s even more critical when long-distance. When communication breaks down, misunderstandings can arise, leading to conflicts and feelings of disconnect. Effective communication is crucial to making a long distance relationship work, as it helps prevent misunderstandings and conflicts.

Technology is a lifeline for long-distance relationships, keeping couples connected when they can’t physically be together. From video calls that let you see each other’s faces to messaging apps that make it easy to share daily updates, technology really bridges the gap. It provides countless ways to stay in touch, whether you’re sending a quick text to say “good morning” or setting aside time for a virtual date night.

But while technology is a huge help, it’s important to use it thoughtfully. It’s easy to fall into the habit of relying too much on digital communication, which can sometimes lead to miscommunication or misunderstandings. Texts can be misinterpreted, and video calls might not always capture the full range of emotions that an in-person conversation would. Plus, too much screen time can sometimes make interactions feel routine or even detached.

The key is finding a healthy balance. Make your conversations meaningful, share the little things that happen throughout the day, and be mindful of how your partner might be feeling on the other end of the screen. Technology is a powerful tool in keeping the connection alive, but it’s important to remember that it’s a tool—not a replacement for real connection and understanding. For more information on general communication practices, check out our blog series on Unlocking Effective Communication:

• Unlocking Effective Communication Part 1
• Unlocking Effective Communication Part 2
• Unlocking Effective Communication Part 3

Different Communication Styles

Effective communication is the lifeblood of any relationship, and it becomes even more critical in long distance relationships. Different communication styles can either strengthen or weaken the bond between partners. Some couples may thrive on frequent phone calls, while others might prefer video chats, messaging apps, or even emails.

Understanding and respecting each other’s communication preferences can help bridge the physical distance and maintain emotional intimacy. It’s essential to find a balance that works for both partners, ensuring that each feels heard, valued, and connected despite the miles apart.

Trust Issues and Insecurity

Trust is a cornerstone of any relationship, and it’s particularly vital in long-distance ones. Without trust, insecurities can creep in, leading to jealousy and suspicion.

Jealousy and Insecurity

Jealousy and insecurity are natural emotions in any relationship, but they can feel even more intense in long-distance ones. When you’re miles apart, it’s easy for your mind to wander—wondering what your long distance partner is doing, who they’re with, or if they’re thinking about you as much as you are about them. The lack of physical presence can sometimes leave you feeling vulnerable, which can amplify these insecurities.

The key to overcoming jealousy and insecurity is to acknowledge and address these feelings openly. Don’t bottle them up or try to push them aside, as that can lead to resentment or misunderstandings down the road. Instead, have honest conversations with your partner about how you’re feeling. Let them know what’s bothering you without accusing or placing blame.

A strong, supportive relationship means being able to talk about your fears and insecurities and working together to reassure one another. Trust and emotional security take time to build, and addressing jealousy openly is an important part of that process.

Building and Maintaining Trust

Trust is the foundation of any successful relationship, but in a long-distance relationship, it takes on even more significance. Without the ability to see each other regularly, trust becomes the glue that holds everything together. But trust isn’t something that happens overnight—it’s built slowly, through consistent actions and open communication.

To build and maintain trust, it’s important to be honest and transparent with each other. Share your thoughts, feelings, and even your day-to-day routines. Being reliable and following through on your promises, whether it’s about making time for regular calls or being open about your social life, helps strengthen trust. Little things, like checking in when you said you would or being understanding when plans need to change, go a long way in showing your partner they can depend on you.

Trust also involves giving your partner the benefit of the doubt and avoiding jumping to negative conclusions. Distance can sometimes create a feeling of uncertainty, but maintaining a steady, open line of communication and showing consistency in your actions can build the trust needed to sustain your relationship. Remember, trust is a two-way street, and both partners need to be fully committed to nurturing it for the long term.

Neglecting Relationship Maintenance

Maintaining a long-distance relationship requires consistent effort. Neglecting to invest time and energy into the relationship is a common issue in many long distance relationships, leading to feelings of neglect and disconnect.

The Importance of Regular Check-Ins – Regular check-ins are crucial in a long-distance relationship. They help keep both partners updated about each other’s lives and maintain a sense of connection. Neglecting these check-ins can lead to feelings of being out of sync and disconnected.

Balancing Individual Lives with the Relationship – While maintaining the relationship is important, it’s equally crucial to balance it with living individual lives. Being in a long-distance relationship shouldn’t mean putting your life on hold. Striking a balance between the relationship and individual pursuits can help maintain a healthy dynamic and prevent feelings of resentment.

Future Planning and Goal Alignment

Long-distance relationships often require more planning than traditional ones. This planning extends beyond visits and includes aligning future goals and plans. Without a shared vision of the future, the relationship can feel aimless and uncertain. With proper planning and mutual effort, long distance relationships work and can be just as fulfilling as traditional ones.

This uncertainty can lead to stress and tension, which can strain long distance relationships. It’s important to have open and honest discussions about future plans and goals. This can help ensure both partners are on the same page and working towards a shared future.

The Significance of Shared Goals – Shared goals are a key component of any successful relationship. In a long-distance relationship, they can provide a sense of direction and purpose. Having shared goals can also help bridge the distance and create a sense of togetherness.

Dealing with Incompatible Life Paths – Sometimes, despite the best efforts, life paths can diverge. This can be particularly challenging in a long-distance relationship, where the distance can amplify these differences. It’s important to recognize these differences and have open discussions about them to determine if a compromise can be reached.

Infidelity and Dishonesty

Infidelity and dishonesty are significant threats to any relationship, and long distance relationships are no exception. The distance can sometimes lead to feelings of insecurity and mistrust, making it essential for couples to prioritize open and honest communication. When partners are miles apart, it’s easy for doubts and suspicions to creep in, which can erode the foundation of trust. By being transparent about their feelings, activities, and concerns, couples can mitigate the risks of infidelity and dishonesty, ensuring that their relationship remains strong and resilient.

The Threat of Infidelity

Infidelity can arise from a lack of communication, intimacy, and connection. In long distance relationships, the absence of physical presence can sometimes lead to feelings of disconnection, making it easier for infidelity to occur. However, it’s essential to remember that infidelity is not an inevitable consequence of physical distance.

Couples can work together to maintain trust and intimacy, even from afar. This involves regular check-ins, sharing personal experiences, and being open about any insecurities or concerns. By fostering a strong emotional connection, long distance couples can safeguard their relationship against the threat of infidelity.

Personal Growth and Development

Personal growth and development are essential for any individual, and long distance relationships can sometimes hinder this process. However, with the right mindset and strategies, couples can maintain their growth and development, even in an LDR. It’s important for both partners to support each other’s individual goals and aspirations, ensuring that the relationship does not stifle personal progress.

By encouraging each other to pursue hobbies, interests, and career goals, couples can create a dynamic where both individuals thrive, contributing to a healthier and more balanced relationship.

Maintaining Personal Growth

Maintaining personal growth in a long distance relationship requires effort and commitment from both partners. Couples can prioritize growth by setting individual goals, pursuing hobbies and interests, and maintaining open and honest communication. It’s crucial to strike a balance between nurturing the relationship and fostering personal development. By doing so, they can ensure that their personal growth and development are not compromised by the physical distance.

Supporting each other’s ambitions and celebrating individual achievements can strengthen the bond and create a more fulfilling and successful relationship.

Overcoming Long-Distance Relationship Obstacles

Long-distance relationships come with their unique set of challenges. However, these obstacles can be overcome with effort, patience, and understanding. It’s important to remember that every relationship has its ups and downs, and long-distance relationships are no different. Couples often have to travel quite a distance to see each other, which can add to the challenges they face.

The key is to view these challenges as opportunities for growth and strengthening the relationship. By working through these obstacles together, couples can build a stronger bond and a deeper understanding of each other. The goal isn’t to avoid challenges but to navigate them effectively.

Keeping the Romance Alive

Keeping the spark alive in a long-distance relationship takes a little extra creativity and effort, but it’s absolutely possible—and even fun. It’s all about finding meaningful ways to stay connected and show your partner you’re thinking of them, no matter the distance. Here are a few ideas to keep the romance going strong:

• Plan Virtual Date Nights: Set aside time to do something special together online. Whether it’s watching a movie at the same time during a virtual movie night, cooking the same meal over video chat, or even playing an online game together, having a dedicated “date night” keeps the romance alive.
• Send Thoughtful Surprise Gifts: Everyone loves a surprise! Send your partner something unexpected—a handwritten letter, a favorite snack, or a small gift that reminds you of them. These little gestures show you’re thinking of them and can really brighten their day.
• Celebrate Special Occasions: Don’t let the distance stop you from celebrating birthdays, anniversaries, or other important dates. You could send flowers, organize a virtual celebration, or even plan a visit if possible. These shared moments are key to maintaining closeness.
• Leave Voice Messages or Videos: Sometimes hearing your partner’s voice or seeing their face unexpectedly can make all the difference. Record a sweet message or a video for them to find when they wake up or during a busy day.
• Plan Future Visits Together: Having something to look forward to can help make the distance feel more manageable. Spend time planning your next visit, talking about things you want to do together, and getting excited for the next time you’ll be face-to-face.
• Surprise “I Miss You” Texts: It’s amazing how much a simple text saying “I’m thinking about you” or “I miss you” can mean. These little moments of connection remind your partner they’re always on your mind, even during busy days.
• Create a Shared Playlist or Watchlist: Make something that’s just for the two of you—whether it’s a playlist of songs that remind you of each other, or a list of movies or shows you’ll watch together during your virtual dates.

Remember, it’s not about how extravagant the gestures are, but how thoughtful they feel. It’s the effort and love behind each action that keeps the romance alive and thriving, no matter how far apart you are.

Recognizing When It’s Not Working

Despite best efforts, it’s important to recognize when a long-distance relationship is not working. This could be due to persistent feelings of loneliness, constant misunderstandings, or a lack of progress towards a shared future. It’s crucial to have open and honest conversations about these issues.

Ending a relationship that isn’t working doesn’t mean failure. The important thing is to recognize what’s best for both individuals involved. The answer to a long-distance relationship isn’t only forcing it or ending it; it’s to sort through all factors, values of each individual, and make a plan that works for those involved.

Finding What Works For You

As you think about whether to start or continue a long-distance relationship, remember that your needs and desires matter. It is absolutely possible to make a long distance relationship work, but it comes with unique challenges. What kills long-distance relationships isn’t just the miles between you—it’s feeling disconnected, unfulfilled, or out of sync with your partner.

At the end of the day, there’s no right or wrong decision—just what’s right for you. Some couples thrive in long-distance relationships, while others realize they need more in-person connection. Whatever you choose, know that love isn’t about proving distance can’t break you; it’s about building a relationship that makes you feel valued, supported, and happy—whether you’re a few miles or a whole time zone apart.

Below are a few FAQs to help you navigate your long-distance journey

FAQs

How Can We Maintain Intimacy in a Long-Distance Relationship?

Lack of intimacy can be a relationship killer and maintaining intimacy in a long-distance relationship requires effort and creativity. Regular communication, shared experiences, and expressing love in ways that resonate with your partner can help maintain intimacy.

What Are Some Effective Communication Strategies for Long-Distance Couples?

Effective communication strategies for long-distance couples include regular check-ins, clear and open dialogue, and using technology to bridge the distance. Understanding each other’s communication styles and needs is also crucial. It’s about ensuring both parties feel heard and valued.

How Often Should Long-Distance Couples Visit Each Other?

The frequency of visits in a long-distance relationship can vary greatly depending on factors like distance, work commitments, and financial capacity. It’s important to discuss and agree on a visitation schedule that works for both parties.

Can Long-Distance Relationships Really Lead to a Happy Partnership?

Yes, long-distance relationships can lead to a happy partnership. The key is effective communication, trust, and having a shared vision for the future. Remember, every relationship has its challenges, and overcoming them together can strengthen the bond.

Need personalized advice on maintaining a long-distance relationship?

If you’re in Illinois or Colorado, our therapists are here to help. Talk to one of our therapists today to get guidance, support, and strategies to strengthen your relationship—no matter the distance. Give us a call or fill out an intake form.