We often think we know what grief looks like. Popular media has painted a familiar picture: tears, intense sadness, perhaps wearing black and staying in bed. But as anyone who has experienced significant loss can tell you, grief rarely follows such a predictable script. Instead, it shows up in unexpected ways, catching us off guard months or even years after a loss.

The Myth of “Getting Back to Normal”

One of the most pervasive myths about grief is that it follows a neat timeline. We expect to be sad for a few weeks, maybe take some time off work, and then return to our regular lives. But grief doesn’t work like that. It’s not a linear journey from loss to healing, but rather a complex experience that weaves itself into the fabric of our lives in ways we might never have anticipated.

The Emotional Rollercoaster Nobody Prepared You For

While sadness is the emotion most commonly associated with grief, it’s just one color in a vast emotional palette. Many people are surprised to find themselves experiencing:

• Anger that seems to come out of nowhere
• A profound sense of loneliness, even in a crowded room
• Numbness that makes them wonder if they’re grieving “wrong”
• Guilt about surviving, about not doing enough, or about feeling relief
• Fear about their own mortality or the safety of loved ones

These emotions aren’t signs of “improper” grieving – they’re natural responses to loss that deserve acknowledgment and acceptance.

Your Brain on Grief: Understanding the Battery Drain

Think about your smartphone when multiple apps are running in the background. The battery drains faster, everything runs a bit slower, and sometimes the simplest tasks take longer to complete. This is exactly how grief affects our cognitive function.

Grief operates like a demanding app that’s constantly running in the background of our minds. Even when we’re not actively thinking about our loss, it’s there, consuming mental energy. This explains why you might find yourself:

• Forgetting appointments you’d normally remember
• Taking longer to complete routine tasks
• Having trouble making simple decisions
• Feeling mentally exhausted after basic social interactions
• Struggling to focus on work or conversations

This reduced cognitive capacity isn’t a personal failure – it’s your brain allocating resources to process your loss, even when you’re not consciously aware of it.

When Your Body Carries Your Grief

For some people, grief manifests more physically than emotionally. Our bodies often express what our minds aren’t ready to process. Physical manifestations of grief can include:

• Digestive issues that seem unrelated to diet
• A bone-deep fatigue that rest doesn’t seem to fix
• Persistent headaches or body aches
• Significant changes in appetite – either loss of interest in food or increased comfort eating
• Sleep disturbances, from insomnia to excessive sleeping
• Weakened immune system leading to frequent illness

These physical symptoms are real and valid expressions of grief that deserve attention and care.

When Loss Shakes Your Foundation

Perhaps one of the most profound and least discussed aspects of grief is how it can challenge our fundamental beliefs about life, death, meaning, and purpose. After a significant loss, you might find yourself:

• Questioning religious or spiritual beliefs you’ve held for years
• Grappling with existential questions about life’s meaning
• Reconsidering what you thought you knew about relationships and love
• Struggling with your sense of identity and purpose
• Searching for new ways to make sense of the world

These spiritual and existential questions can be deeply unsettling, especially when they arise alongside other grief responses. It’s important to remember that questioning is a natural part of processing loss and can ultimately lead to deeper understanding and growth.

The Path Forward: As Unique As You Are

Just as grief manifests differently for everyone, the journey through grief is equally individual. There’s no universal timeline, no “right” way to grieve, and no shortcuts through the process. What works for one person might not work for another, and what helps today might not help tomorrow.

Reach Out

If you’re grieving, remember:

• Your grief is valid, no matter how it shows up
• Healing isn’t linear, and setbacks are normal
• It’s okay to need more rest and have less capacity
• Professional support is available and valuable
• You don’t have to navigate this alone

If you’re struggling, reaching out for help isn’t a sign of weakness—it’s a step toward healing. You don’t have to navigate this alone. Don’t hesitate to reach out and get started with a therapist here at Optimum Joy.