We live in a time when social media quietly shapes how we see ourselves and one another. Relationships and marriages are no exception. Appearances are carefully curated—what we wear, how we pose, what story our photos tell. We find ourselves asking, Do I look put together? What does this say about me? What version of us will get the most likes or attention? Somewhere along the way, being seen has started to matter more than being known.

Have you ever felt lonely or emotionally distant, even while sitting right next to your partner? Have you ever started to say something, only to hesitate—and not quite know why? Maybe you’ve noticed yourself moving through the day-to-day motions on autopilot, where even familiar routines don’t feel the same anymore. You still go on dates, maybe you even just got back from a vacation together… so, why does something still feel off?

Turning Away

There is a likely chance that there have been some missed bids for connection. What is a bid for connection? This is a term coined by Dr. John Gottman, that is an attempt, whether it be big or small, to seek attention, affection, affirmation, or emotional connection from your partner. So, what does this actually look like in everyday life? And how do you know if you might be missing—or even rejecting—bids for connection?

As mentioned earlier, bids can be big or small. They can range from trying to show your partner the funny cat video you watched earlier, to wanting to talk about a stressful day at work, or even making eye contact from across the room to silently signal an SOS to escape an unwanted conversation.

Here are a few examples to help you better recognize bids for connection—so they don’t get overlooked:

• “I thought we could sign up for a ________ class together.”
• “You won’t believe what happened at the store today.”
• “Do you want to go for a walk?”
• “Can we cuddle tonight?”

Now that you can better recognize what a bid for connection might look like, let’s explore how we respond to these bids.

When your partner makes a bid for connection, there are generally two main ways to respond: you can turn toward the bid and engage, or you can turn away from it. (There is also turning against, which we’ll explore later.) Let’s look at a simple scenario to see how different responses can lead to very different outcomes.

Scenario

John and Katie have been married for eight years. Over the past two years, both have become very career-focused and have started to feel emotionally distant from one another. Even when they are together, their time is often interrupted by work-related distractions.

One evening, John is getting ready to go for a jog and makes a bid for connection: “Hey, I was going to go for a jog—want to join me? I can’t remember the last time we jogged together.”

Katie now has a choice in how she responds. Like many of us, she might not recognize this as a bid for connection and simply reply: “No, you go ahead. Have a nice run.”

While this response isn’t unkind, it misses the bid and results in turning away from connection. However, if Katie recognizes this as a bid, she might respond differently: “I’m not really up for a run tonight, but when you get back maybe we could play a game or finish that show we started.”

In this response, Katie still doesn’t go for the jog—but she turns toward the bid by expressing interest in spending time together and suggesting another way to connect. Turning toward a bid does not mean you have to say yes to every activity or request. It simply means you acknowledge your partner’s desire for connection and respond in a way that keeps the emotional door open.

Missed Opportunities

What about when we stop or just are not making bids? Whether its from too many rejected / missed bids. Or it could be something else that keeps us from making bids. If you have ever opted out of sharing and expressing your thoughts and feelings to your partner, that is a missed opportunity. Not wanting to share emotions due to not wanting to burden, or cause others to feel sad. But in doing this, your partner is unable to be there for you, support you, validate your emotions, connect with you.

Reach Out

Learning to navigate bids for connection can be a lot. Fortunately you don’t have to figure it all out on your own. You can reach out and a therapist can come alongside you and your partner, and navigate them together.