My least favorite arguments are about words. I bet you can relate; sometimes I’ll get into a whole debate with someone, only to find that the reason we thought we disagreed was just because we understood a term differently. Where do we go from there? Maybe we check the dictionary, trying to “prove” that one of us has the correct definition, or we might just agree to disagree. However, I often find these resolutions unsatisfying. Though I might try to dismiss these discussions as mere semantics, I can’t get rid of the feeling that we missed out on talking about something much more important.

In therapy I often end up in conversations about the meaning of words. Sometimes, I merely misunderstand a client because I use a word differently, but other times defining or redefining a word feels like part of the therapeutic work itself. So, should we argue about semantics at all, and what role do these discussions have in therapy and self-reflection? My answer may annoy you (it’s yes and no). See, to answer this big question, we must first answer two smaller questions: what is the purpose of a word’s definition, and who decides what words mean?

The Purpose of Definitions

Of course, language’s primary purpose is communication with each other. In that sense, definitions of words matter, in that we agree upon meanings that allow us to understand each other. However, language has another important use: it changes the way we communicate with ourselves. Language moderates understanding. Here’s a low stakes example: people disagree about whether hot dogs are sandwiches. According to dictionary definitions, they probably are (e.g., the second definition of “sandwich” on Dictionary.com is “a partially slit bread roll, pita, etc., with a filling,” which seems to include hot dogs). And, if definitions only mattered for interpersonal consensus, then it would make sense for us to all agree that hot dogs are sandwiches. However, if someone asked me for a sandwich and I gave them a hot dog, they might be justifiably confused. That’s because many of us have an internally held concept of “sandwiches” that excludes hot dogs. Welcoming hot dogs into the sandwich category would alter our understanding of both objects. Granted, this example is an insignificant shift in perspective, but when we apply the same principle to more load-bearing concepts like truth or goodness, we see that meanings of words may have far-reaching implications for worldview and lifestyle. If the meanings of words have this much significance, then we must carefully consider how and by whom that meaning is determined.

These linguistic purposes (communication between people and within individuals) are both important for the work we do in therapy. Of course, it matters that my client and I have similar understandings of most words, since otherwise we could not understand each other. Beyond that, though, sometimes someone’s understanding of a word props up an unhelpful belief, and reframing that definition can alter that person’s perspective for the better. Other times, someone might not have examined their understanding of a word that’s important for their lifestyle. For example, I frequently work with people who are dissatisfied with their relationships, and part of their dissatisfaction may stem from an incomplete concept of love. In those cases, taking the time to clearly define key terms can provide direction and motivation, or prompt someone to think deeply about something they haven’t yet questioned. That said, these are conversations between only two people; how do we appropriately weigh their significance when lined up against other discussions of meaning? The answer goes back to our second main issue: who decides what words mean?

The Deciders of Definitions

When we ask what a word means, we usually look to one of three sources: ourselves, our peers, or authorities. Often the first places we go are the established authorities like dictionaries, reference texts, or the opinions of experts. This is most helpful when consensus is important, since authorities can provide standardized, widely respected reference points for definitions. Academic papers, for instance, must usually cite qualified sources when describing key terms. However, none of these authorities are the true determiners of meaning.

Language develops through the consensus of its speakers, and often institutions are incapable of keeping up. Urban Dictionary, for example, holds vast lists of words that will never reach Webster even though they may be widely understood slang. Thus, a community’s approach to defining a word is far more relevant and appropriate for everyday conversations; our peers’ use of a word in a manner different from those listed in the dictionary does not invalidate mutually agreed-upon meaning. Even so, popular definitions are difficult to reference, and different groups of people use words in different ways all the time. So, standardized authorities on language can’t capture the full picture, and democratized sources for meaning are complex and hard to pin down. Each of them, though, have an appropriate place in our understanding of language; it’s just that most of the time therapy isn’t the place for either of them.

If authorities and peers establish consensus about language, then we must turn to ourselves in the times that consensus has failed or become irrelevant. This makes therapy and self-reflection two of the most important realms in which to give ourselves the power to define meaning. In therapy when a client uses a word differently than I’m used to, I don’t care about checking a dictionary or asking others how to define that word. Instead, that’s an opportunity for a conversation where the client gets to offer their own understanding. In some cases, I may collaborate with the client to establish a clearer or more helpful definition, but in our therapy room the client gets final authority to determine meaning. This approach draws on the basic claims of narrative therapy: that the words we use and stories we tell when describing our lives and selves have significant effects on perception and behavior. Thus, an individual who wishes to achieve mastery over their self and life must feel empowered to determine what their words and stories mean. By the same principle, we have no need to reference outside sources when self-reflecting. Of course, this does not mean that we should not check our understanding against reality; for example, just because I don’t feel that a hot dog is a sandwich does not mean that hot dogs are definitively not sandwiches. Similarly, I would not say that someone’s personal idea of a diagnostic term gives them authority to give diagnoses. Rather, when telling our own stories, we have no need to seek consensus or justification for the ways we tell them.

So, do semantics matter?

Like I said, yes and no. Words matter in different ways depending on what purpose they serve, what setting they’re used in, and who defines them. In the marketplace of ideas, agreed-upon definitions and precise language are very important, especially at an academic level. However, the smaller the scale of our conversations, the less that consensus matters. And, when in therapy or self-reflecting, we mostly only need to consult our own sense of meaning while making sure to align ourselves with what is real and beneficial. Clients of mine often become self-conscious about the language they use, whether they’re concerned about saying something “incorrect,” or just worried I might judge them for cussing. When I notice this, my message to them is always the same: this is therapy; say whatever words you want. And, if I misunderstand, I’m happy to hear what I got wrong.

Reach Out

If you’ve struggled with feeling misunderstood or worrying about having the right words, I would encourage you to try therapy with one of us counselors who use narrative therapy techniques. Our job is to empower you to feel like the author of your own story and help you find meaning and understanding in new ways that strengthen your connection to yourself and others.

With time and professional support, you too can find confidence in your story. Don’t hesitate to reach out and schedule an appointment with a therapist today!