What is Chosen Family? Why It’s Essential and How to Build Yours

One of the most formative components of our lives is the family we are born into, also known as the family of origin. While we could spend considerable time discussing the impact of our biological families, I want to explore a powerful source of connection we often overlook in therapy—our chosen family.

For many individuals, especially within the LGBTQ community, chosen families provide a crucial source of support and belonging.

The Significance of Belonging

Philosopher Patricia Churchland said, “Being engaged in some way for the good of the community, whatever that community, is a factor in a meaningful life. We long to belong, and belonging and caring anchors our sense of place in the universe.”

This profound insight captures what many of us instinctively know but rarely articulate—belonging is as essential to our well-being as food and shelter. When we experience belonging, we feel seen, valued, and understood. Our nervous systems calm, our stress levels decrease, and we gain the emotional security needed to explore our authentic selves.

The concept of belonging takes on special significance when we discuss chosen family. While we may or may not experience true belonging in our biological families, chosen families often form precisely around this mutual recognition and acceptance. We gravitate toward those who offer us the gift of belonging without conditions or expectations to conform to predetermined roles.

Understanding Chosen Families vs. Biological families

We do not get to choose the family we are born and/or raised in, but as we grow into adulthood, we tend to form ties with people outside our biological families, and these ties blossom into our Chosen Family. The Chosen Family is simply the community of people you choose to intimately surround yourself with, often including your closest friends.

They can be any combination of people, including but not limited to, close friends and coworkers, mentors, neighbors, and teammates. This group of people very well may be what Churchland is alluding to in the aforementioned quote. The Chosen Family is typically one’s response to biological family relationships, and are often the source of much healing, support, comfort and growth.

How Chosen Families Differ from Biological Relationships

The Chosen Family represents our ability to pursue healthy relationships, and connect with people who feed our souls, no matter what we experience in our biological families. The concept of a found family highlights the intentional creation of these meaningful relationships. It is the community in which we choose to reveal our deepest desires, communicate our vulnerabilities, and live into the freedom of secure friendship. But often, we do not reflect on the significance of these relationships, nor the impact they have on our day-to-day lives as well as our future goals.

Benefits of Chosen Family

Chosen families offer a myriad of benefits that can significantly enhance our mental health and overall well-being. Unlike biological families, which we are born into, chosen families are formed through mutual affection, respect, and shared experiences. This unique dynamic can provide a profound sense of belonging and acceptance, which is crucial for our mental health.

One of the most significant benefits of chosen families is the emotional support and validation they offer. In times of distress or loneliness, having a network of chosen family members who understand and empathize with our struggles can be incredibly comforting. This support system can help mitigate feelings of isolation and provide a sense of security and stability, especially for those who have faced rejection or ostracization from their biological families.

Chosen families also play a vital role in alleviating mental health concerns such as anxiety and depression. The love and support from chosen family members can create a nurturing environment that fosters healing and recovery. For individuals who have experienced trauma or abuse, the safety and security provided by a chosen family can be a cornerstone of their healing journey.

Moreover, chosen families can offer a sense of community and connection that might be lacking in one’s biological family. This sense of community can be particularly important for sexual and gender minorities, who may not find acceptance in their biological families. The mutual support and understanding within a chosen family can empower individuals, boosting their self-esteem and confidence.

In addition to emotional and mental health benefits, chosen families can bring immense joy and happiness into our lives. Celebrating holidays, sharing milestones, and simply spending time together can create cherished memories and a sense of purpose and meaning. This joy and sense of belonging can significantly improve our overall well-being.

In essence, chosen families are a source of empowerment, providing the love, support, and community that are essential for our mental health and happiness. They remind us that family is not just about blood relations but about the bonds we choose to form and nurture.

Chosen Family and the LGBTQ Community

For many in the LGBTQ community, chosen families have been a lifeline when family relationships become strained or disconnected. The concept of chosen family has deep roots in queer history, serving as crucial support networks when society and traditional family structures failed to provide acceptance.

Many LGBTQ individuals have had to establish new family bonds when sharing their identity with their biological families resulted in distance. These chosen families often fulfill the roles typically held by a mother, father, and siblings, creating a nurturing environment where people can truly be themselves.

Research shows that other LGBTQ people often become the foundation of these chosen families, as shared experiences create powerful bonds of understanding. Unlike conventional family structures, chosen families in the LGBTQ community are formed through authentic connection rather than obligation.

These relationships often expand beyond friendship into something deeper—a commitment to showing up for one another through life’s challenges in ways that others might not. Many queer youth identify chosen family members as their primary emotional support, especially during crucial life transitions.

The importance of chosen family for LGBTQ individuals cannot be overstated. When societal pressures and family rejection create isolation, these intentional bonds provide the acceptance and love everyone deserves. For many, these relationships become the template for how to build healthy attachments as they establish their adult lives.

Examples of Chosen Family

As you reflect on your own life, you might notice that chosen families appear in many forms, often entering our lives precisely when we need them most. I’ve observed in my therapy practice that recognizing what chosen family looks like can help us appreciate and nurture these precious connections.

Friendship Circles That Evolve Into Family

Have you ever noticed how some friendships gradually transform into something deeper? These are the friends with whom you’ve created holiday traditions, the ones you’ve listed as emergency contacts, the people you know you could call at 3 AM without hesitation. What makes these relationships special is how they’ve evolved beyond typical friendships through shared rituals and reliable support systems.

Ask Yourself

When did you first realize that certain friends had become more like family to you? What shifted in how you related to one another?

Mentorship Relationships

I’ve often seen how mentors become chosen family members, particularly for younger individuals searching for guidance. A teacher, coach, or community leader might provide the nurturing and wisdom that complements what biological families offer. These connections frequently transcend their original context, evolving into lifelong bonds of mutual care and respect.

Ask Yourself

Think about the mentors in your life—how have they shaped your understanding of family?

Community Groups

The shared values and regular gatherings in religious communities, support groups, and volunteer organizations create fertile ground for chosen family connections to flourish. The vulnerability and authenticity often present in these spaces allows for deeper knowing of one another. For many in the LGBTQ community, support groups specifically become the foundation for building chosen family networks.

Ask Yourself

Where have you experienced this sense of belonging in community spaces?

Workplace Connections

Given how much time we invest alongside colleagues, it’s natural that some workplace relationships deepen into chosen family bonds. Especially in environments that require collaboration or navigating shared challenges, coworkers may begin to function as siblings or parental figures in our emotional lives. These relationships often surprise us with their depth and longevity.

Ask Yourself

Have you experienced this transformation with colleagues?

Neighbors Who Become Family

There’s something powerful about proximity and daily interaction. Neighbors who check in on each other, share meals, or help with everyday tasks can gradually form chosen family bonds that endure even if physical distance later separates you. These relationships often begin with simple kindness and grow into profound connection.

Ask Yourself

Has a neighbor ever crossed the threshold from acquaintance to chosen family in your experience?

For Your Reflection

As you consider these examples, I invite you to notice how chosen families form organically in response to our innate need for connection. While these relationships may not have formal recognition, they often provide the emotional foundation that supports us through life’s challenges. What would it be like to consciously acknowledge your chosen family members, perhaps expressing your gratitude for how they’ve enriched your life? How might this awareness help you to nurture these essential relationships with even greater intention?

Seeing Ourselves: Chosen Family in Media

As a therapist, I’ve noticed how powerful it can be when clients recognize their own experiences reflected in the stories around them. In recent years, I’ve been heartened to see chosen family relationships gaining visibility in our media landscape, helping to expand our collective understanding of what “family” can mean beyond traditional definitions.

When we see chosen family relationships portrayed in television, film, and literature, these narratives offer not just entertainment but validation—a mirror reflecting back the meaningful connections many of us have formed outside our biological families. These portrayals can be especially healing for those who have felt their most significant relationships weren’t “legitimate” because they didn’t fit conventional family models.

The series “Pose,” for instance, beautifully illustrates the house families created within the LGBTQ community during the 1980s and ’90s—spaces where individuals found the unconditional acceptance, guidance, and love that many had been denied elsewhere. Watching these stories unfold can help us recognize and honor similar supportive networks in our own lives.

Even mainstream shows like “Friends,” though not explicitly framed as such, depict chosen family dynamics that many viewers intuitively recognize—a group of adults who function as each other’s primary emotional support, celebrate milestones together, and show up during difficult times in ways that demonstrate profound commitment to one another.

I find it particularly meaningful when my younger clients encounter positive portrayals of diverse family structures in the media they consume. When children and adolescents see chosen families represented in books, television, and films, it can validate their own experiences and expand their vision of the relationships they might form throughout their lives.

“The Fosters” offers another nuanced exploration by weaving together biological, adoptive, and chosen family bonds, while “Schitt’s Creek” portrays the gradual development of chosen family connections among people who initially share little in common beyond circumstance. These narratives remind us that family bonds can form in unexpected ways and evolve over time.

When our lived experiences are reflected in shared cultural narratives, it helps us feel less alone and more understood. For those whose most meaningful relationships don’t fit traditional family models, seeing chosen family dynamics portrayed with depth and nuance can be profoundly affirming. These stories remind us that the families we create through choice and commitment are just as real and valuable as those formed through biology even if they are not legally recognized.

Ask Yourself

Have you noticed representations of chosen family in the media you consume? How did it feel to see these relationships portrayed? Did you recognize aspects of your own life in these stories?

Reflective Exercises for Exploring Your Chosen Family

In my therapy practice, I invite clients to explore their chosen family relationships through guided reflection. These exercises can help deepen your understanding of these vital connections. Approach these prompts with curiosity rather than judgment as you discover insights about these meaningful relationships.

Who Makes Up Your Circle of Chosen Family?

Consider who you count among your chosen family—people you’ve selected based on mutual support, trust, and aligned values. As faces come to mind, notice if certain individuals fulfill specific nurturing roles in your life. Do some provide unconditional acceptance similar to a maternal figure? Do others offer guidance that connects with a paternal energy?

Reflect on how these relationships developed. What qualities do you share with these chosen family members? Where do you differ, and how do these differences enrich your connection? In my work, I’ve found that points of difference often strengthen our bonds when approached with openness.

Sacred Spaces of Connection

With your chosen family, spaces of connection might be less obvious but equally significant as those from your nuclear family. Where do you feel most authentic with your chosen family members? Perhaps it’s a coffee shop, a living room, or even virtual spaces that transcend physical distance.

The next time you enter one of these spaces, practice mindful awareness. Notice your body’s response and the emotions that arise. All of these responses offer valuable information about your relationships and internal landscape.

Communication Rhythms and Patterns

The way we communicate with our chosen family reveals much about these relationships. Consider how you express yourself with your chosen family members. Can you share difficult truths that you might withhold elsewhere? Or do you retreat into familiar patterns of guardedness?

Reflect on how these patterns compare to those from your family of origin. Have you established new ways of relating? Where do you see growth in your expression and listening?

Chosen family relationships offer the opportunity to practice new ways of connecting and and can benefit mental health by healing old wounds through the experience of of being heard. This is what I call “relational reparenting”—receiving what we may have missed in our early years.

Emotional Safety and Cultural Belonging

Chosen family provides emotional safety—the security to be authentically ourselves. Within your chosen family, you’ve likely co-created a unique culture with its own values, traditions, and unspoken understandings.

Consider the cultural elements of these relationships. What values seem most important? How do you navigate differences when they arise? Notice how this culture compares to that of your family of origin. What have you intentionally carried forward or left behind?

These relationships offer the gift of being known and accepted while challenging us to grow. Reflecting on these dimensions can develop greater appreciation for these bonds and help you nurture them with intention. In my experience, this conscious attention to our chosen family connections can be one of our most healing practices.

How to Build and Nurture Your Chosen Family

Building a chosen family is a deeply personal journey that often unfolds organically, yet there are intentional steps you can take to cultivate these meaningful connections of mutual support. Unlike blood-related family relationships that we’re born into, chosen families require conscious effort to establish and maintain.

Identifying Potential Chosen Family Members

Start by reflecting on existing relationships in your life. Which friends, colleagues, or community members make you feel truly seen and accepted? Look for people who:

• Consistently show up during both celebrations and challenges
• Share or respect your core values
• Create space for authenticity rather than judgment
• Demonstrate healthy communication patterns
• Offer reciprocal support and care

Many people in the LGBTQ community find their chosen family members through support groups, community centers, or advocacy organizations. These spaces naturally bring together individuals with shared experiences who understand unique challenges that others might not.

Deepening Connections

Once you’ve identified potential chosen family members, nurture these relationships with intention:

• Create rituals and traditions: Establish regular gatherings, celebrations, or check-ins that provide structure to your relationship, much like traditional family units do.
• Be vulnerable: Share your authentic self, including your struggles and aspirations. This vulnerability allows relationships to expand beyond surface-level connections.
• Offer consistent support: Be reliable in both practical and emotional ways, creating the dependability often associated with healthy family dynamics.
• Set and respect boundaries: Unlike some blood-related family situations, chosen families have the opportunity to establish healthy boundaries from the beginning.
• Formalize relationships when meaningful: Some chosen family members celebrate their bonds through ceremonies, shared living arrangements, or other forms of commitment that society may or may not legally recognize.

Navigating Challenges

Like all families, chosen families face challenges. When challenges arise in chosen family relationships:

• Address issues directly rather than allowing resentment to build
• Remember that healthy disagreement can strengthen relationships
• Seek outside support when needed, such as counseling for particularly difficult situations
• Recognize that some relationships may shift over time, requiring flexibility

For parents seeking to expand their children’s support network, intentionally introducing trusted adults who can serve as additional mentors can provide valuable guidance and perspectives beyond what the immediate family offers.

Creating Intergenerational Connections

Some of the richest chosen family connections span generations, creating relationships where wisdom and fresh perspectives flow in both directions. These connections add depth and balance to your chosen family network.

Remember that building chosen family isn’t about replacing your family of origin but expanding your circle of meaningful connection. These relationships provide essential support, especially for those whose needs haven’t been fully met by conventional family structures.

Chosen Family and Healing from Family Trauma

In my therapeutic work, I’ve witnessed how chosen families can become powerful vessels for healing and growth for those who’ve experienced trauma within their family of origin. These intentional relationships often provide opportunities to experience healthy attachment and connection that may have been missing in earlier family experiences.

Rewriting Relationship Templates

Our earliest relationships, particularly with parents and siblings, create internal maps for how we expect relationships to function. When these early experiences involve trauma, neglect, or rejection—something I’ve seen frequently among LGBTQ community members—these templates can contain patterns that no longer serve us.

I’ve observed how chosen family relationships provide a unique opportunity to establish new patterns. Through consistent, supportive interactions, you might experience:

• Unconditional acceptance that perhaps wasn’t available in your early relationships
• Healthy approaches to conflict that differ from patterns in your family of origin
• Emotional safety that allows for authentic self-expression
• Reliable support that nurtures secure attachment

These experiences don’t erase past wounds, but they can help reshape our understanding of what relationships can be, gradually transforming our expectations and responses.

Creating Safe Space for Identity Exploration

For many individuals I’ve worked with, chosen families provide the first truly safe environment to explore and express their authentic selves. When family of origin members struggle with accepting aspects of identity, especially around sexual orientation or gender for queer individuals, chosen family members often provide that crucial validation we all need.

These affirming connections allow us to integrate all aspects of ourselves without compartmentalizing or feeling shame. The acceptance found within chosen families helps counterbalance hurtful messages, creating space for genuine self-acceptance.

Healing Through Different Family Roles

Within chosen families, I notice how people often relate to others in ways that heal specific wounds:

• Someone who missed nurturing guidance might connect with mentors who offer support and wisdom
• Those who experienced difficult sibling dynamics may develop peer relationships with the safety and support they longed for
• People who had to grow up too quickly can experience being cared for rather than always caring for others

These healing connections typically evolve naturally to meet emotional needs that weren’t fulfilled in earlier relationships.

Moving Forward with Both Families

Many individuals navigate relationships with both their biological families and chosen family. Others find they need to create distance from harmful family relationships, finding primary support within their chosen connections.

In my practice, I emphasize that there’s no single “right” approach—what matters is identifying the relationship boundaries that support your wellbeing. For some, healing comes through reconciliation with family of origin. For others, chosen family relationships become the primary context for growth.

What matters most is creating connections that help you thrive, whether those relationships come through birth, legal ties, or the profound choice to show up for one another through life’s journey.

Take the Next Step in Your Relationship Journey

This exploration of chosen family only scratches the surface of these profound relationships that shape our wellbeing. As we’ve discussed, these bonds can be both challenging and healing, often becoming the foundation for our most authentic connections.

At our therapy practice, we specialize in helping clients navigate their relationship landscapes—whether with chosen family, family of origin, or intimate partners. Our therapists offer personalized support to help you:

• Identify patterns in your relationships that may no longer serve you
• Develop communication skills that foster deeper connections
• Process past relationship wounds that impact your current bonds
• Create healthier boundaries that honor both yourself and others
• Explore how to build and strengthen your chosen family network

Ready to deepen your understanding of these important relationships? Here’s how to begin:

1. Reach out: Give us a call or fill out an intake form. Someone will then call you to match you with the right therapist for your specific needs.
2. Attend your first session: Either virtually or in-person at our welcoming offices.

We serve clients throughout Illinois and Colorado, with in-person sessions available in our Chicago and Denver offices. For those elsewhere in either state, we offer convenient and effective online therapy sessions.

Your journey toward more fulfilling relationships starts with a single step. Reach out today.

Written by therapist Ruth Nathaniel | Edited by therapist Alexandra Hoerr