What is your background and what led you to the field of counseling?
Hi, my name is Xavier and I’m a mental health therapist here at Optimum Joy. I am actually from the Bronx, New York and I was raised by Jamaican parents. Both of my parents are from Jamaica and I remember growing up and telling people I’m from the Bronx and nine times out of ten they would say, “Well, where’s your accent?” And it was a running joke because I think when I tell people I’m from New York, they expect me to sound like Pauly D from Jersey Shore and I don’t. I love Pauly D from Jersey Shore and his accent—I’m actually jealous, I wish I sounded more like him.
I will never forget, I found a quote that just shook me to the core and it was: “Don’t climb a ladder just to get to the top and realize the ladder’s been on the wrong wall the whole time.” And something about that really just shook me up and I started asking questions like, for the last 14 years I’ve been in corporate America, I’ve had success, but am I really fulfilled? Is this all there is to work and career? And that was really the beginning of my journey of working towards going back to school, having been away from it for 15 years. And so that’s kind of what set me back on the path towards psychology.
What gave you the confidence to switch careers later in life?
My mom is actually a therapist. It was scary to make the decision to go back to school, but a huge push for me—what gave me the confidence—was my mom went back to school to get her master’s when she was 60 years old and switched careers.
And I’ve always heard, “You should be a therapist. You’re such a good listener. People feel comfortable sharing things with you.” And there are so many times along the way that I’d be in conversation with a random person, a stranger, and they don’t know me, I don’t know them, but I would find these interactions where they’re sharing some pretty intimate things. And I’d walk away like, “Man, that was so cool, first of all.” I guess I never really gave it a lot of thought as to why they would confide in me with something so personal, but there was always something that felt like this field was pulling me towards it.
How did you navigate the societal or cultural expectations of being a man in this field?
There were a lot of insecurities that I had that I think just quieted the parts of my personality that really show up and really light up in a session. Some of that is societal expectations—being a good listener is not necessarily something that I think society expects as a man.
Growing up in the Black community, what I heard growing up in the home was like, “We don’t tell our business to anyone outside of the home.” And so that was really the lesson and messaging that came through for me. I know for a lot of people in my community, they’ve heard that same messaging as well. I’m so grateful that I got an opportunity to really get my own personal healing because what I used to be insecure about, I now use every day in therapy to support people and help them find their own healing.
What would you say to someone considering taking that first step into therapy?
If you’re considering going to therapy, that first step alone—which is the consideration, the awareness that maybe this could be helpful for me—I want to acknowledge you. I want to celebrate you even to get to that point because there’s so many people that just don’t. Growth and healing doesn’t just happen because of time. Time doesn’t guarantee that we’re going to be healed like we need. It does take intention and effort and work. And I think that if you find yourself with a good therapist, they’re going to be aware of that as well. They’re going to go at your pace. I just want to empower you to find your own healing. This is for you.
One of the things that I love about my own healing story is when I started to get better, when I started to feel more confident in my skin, I noticed was my healing wasn’t just for me. It’s for the people who are with me, like my wife, my community, my workplace, my colleagues, my family. Your healing journey—it’s beautiful, it’s wonderful, you’re going to feel more whole. But at the end of the day, what you’re going to be able to transfer to your city, to your community, to your family and friends—it’s invaluable.
What brings you joy in your personal life?
What brings me joy, honestly, has changed over the last few years. I’ve always enjoyed food—I’m a big foodie. My parents are Jamaican and I grew up in a home where they made home-cooked meals every single day. I don’t know how my mom did it because she had a full-time job and still managed to have a hot plate ready for us after school. And so that stuck with me. I enjoy eating, so I enjoy cooking as well.
I’m now married and I think what really gives me the most joy these days is being at home—food in the background, Netflix on, friends over. I think my favorite conversations are ones where there’s an exchange of vulnerability. I love deep and meaningful conversations; that really lights me up. I’ve never walked away from a table full of friends, food on the table, conversations happening, and not felt joy. It’s hard to find that kind of joy for me anywhere else.
What is your clinical approach and which populations do you specialize in?
I am a huge advocate of three modalities or theories: one being Gottman, which is really prevalent within couples work, EFT (Emotionally Focused Therapy), and then also any kind of attachment interventions. Those really get used quite a bit in my sessions. I am a huge advocate of helping my clients, first of all, recognize patterns and grow more aware of what’s happening in their body, so I do a lot of somatic work as well.
Specialty population, I would say I really do enjoy working with couples. I would also say clients who have developmental trauma, which falls more into the attachment work that I get to do. I love that as well.
What do you find most rewarding about being a therapist?
Being in a room with someone who is beginning their own healing journey is such a sacred space. It really is a privilege that we get to walk someone through their journey towards becoming more whole, challenging old habits and thoughts, and opening up the capacity to be in better relationships.
I work with a lot of couples. Usually when they get to me, it’s been six to eight years of patterns and cycles that have not been the best for the relationship. And so honestly, for me, it’s like what an honor that I get to use the tools that I’ve been given through school and through my own research, and to pass that on and to experience and witness the journey with my clients. It really is an incredible field. I just feel grateful that I got to get a second chance at a career. And for me, it’s not even a career—it’s really a calling. I really feel that I was made for this.
