June 22, 2023

Rebuilding Trust After an Affair

By Shalayne McMillian

Can I do this? Is it even possible? Is it right to stay in a relationship after there’s been an affair? There are many questions in the wake of unfaithfulness, and not all of the answers will come at once. But one thing is true: if both partners decide to stay in the relationship, rebuilding trust and learning to love again is a slow process. The partner who has had the affair must be willing to put their relationship first and show that they value the relationship through their actions. According to therapist Terry Gaspard in Learning to Love Again After An Affair, there are three core components to rebuilding trust.

Phase 1: Atone

It is important for the person who has had the affair needs to express remorse and attempt to repair the relationship. According to Gaspard, “It is critical that the cheater understands their partner’s feelings and accepts responsibility without defensiveness. There can’t be any more secrets and the cheater must confess. While full disclosure is painful, it allows for transparency, verification, and vulnerability.” The person who has cheated needs to take full responsibility for their actions instead of trying to shift blame to their partner. When infidelity takes place, it’s important for the couple to look into their relationship to uncover what and where things went wrong, but this needs to take place without finger-pointing. The person who has cheated needs to end the relationship as well as any areas that may leave them vulnerable to be tempted again. Along with taking precautions, it’s important for the cheater to explore what led them to cheat in the first place. They need to understand their reasons for looking elsewhere to be fulfilled, all without blaming their partner.

Phase 2: Attune

Attunement is only able to happen when a couple has moved past atonement successfully. This means the couple has been able to take responsibility for what has happened, began to move towards forgiveness, and has held back from putting blame on the victim of the infidelity. In this phase, it’s important for the couple to begin working on conflict management and resolution. The couple needs to identify the trigger issues in their relationship that often lead to intense conflict.

In this phase, the couple learns to attune to and care for each other’s needs and to notice when they should be reaching out to their partner for support. This phase should also be a big turning point for the couple as they make a commitment  that they will be staying together and working to rebuild their relationship.

Phase 3: Attach

The final stage is about taking a step of courage to make physical intimacy a part of the relationship again. This final step can be a slow process, and both parties should allow themselves time to heal before physical intimacy is reintroduced. A healthy intimate relationship is founded on a deep emotional, mental and spiritual connection, and sexual intimacy can serve as a protective shield against future distractions.

Reach out

Affair recovery and healing is complex and painful work, and it most often requires the help of a trained professional. If you and your partner could use the extra support a therapist can provide during this time, please don’t hesitate to reach out to us here at Optimum Joy!

Written By

Shalayne McMillian

Ready to set up your first appointment?

If you haven’t been in touch with us yet, you can get started by filling out our intake form.