Have You Ever Not Done Something You Wanted to Do?

As a therapist, one of the most common things I hear from clients sounds something like this: “I know I should do it, but I just can’t get myself to start.”

Maybe it’s exercising. Maybe it’s cleaning the house, applying for a job, returning a phone call, or finally starting that project you’ve been putting off for weeks. You want to do it. You know it would be good for you. And yet somehow you find yourself sitting on the couch scrolling your phone, watching another episode, or convincing yourself you’ll get to it tomorrow. Sound familiar? You’re definitely not alone.

Many of us spend a surprising amount of our lives being motivated by negative consequences. We wait until the deadline is looming before starting the assignment. We finally make the doctor’s appointment when a health issue gets worse. We complete a work project because we’re afraid of disappointing our boss. Sometimes our motivation comes from avoiding guilt, criticism, embarrassment, or even the possibility of losing a job or damaging a relationship.

Should Thinking

When we operate this way, we often tell ourselves things like:

• “I should go to the gym.”
• “I should clean the kitchen.”
• “I should finish this report.”
• “I should call my friend back.”

At first glance, those statements seem harmless. But the word “should” can actually create the problem. When we tell ourselves we should do something, we’re often focusing on an external expectation rather than an internal desire. “Should” implies a rule. It suggests there’s some consequence out there if we don’t follow through. Maybe someone will be disappointed. Maybe we’ll feel guilty. Maybe we’ll get in trouble.

The problem is that external pressure isn’t always a reliable source of motivation. That’s why I encourage clients to experiment with replacing “I should” with a different phrase: “I want to because…”

“I want to” Thinking

It sounds simple, but it can be surprisingly powerful. For example, instead of saying “I should go for a walk” try “I want to go for a walk because I know I feel calmer afterward.” Or  instead of  “I should work on my resume” try “I want to work on my resume because finding a new job would give me more freedom and flexibility.”

Notice the difference? The focus shifts from obligation to choice with purpose. You stop centering the possible consequences of not doing something and start reconnecting with the reasons you genuinely care about doing it. You’re no longer acting to avoid punishment, you’re acting in service of something meaningful to you.

This approach doesn’t magically create motivation every time. Some tasks will still feel boring, difficult, or uncomfortable. But it does help build a stronger connection to your own values and goals and that matters.

Research consistently shows that internal motivation tends to be more sustainable than external pressure. When our actions align with what we value, we’re more likely to follow through, not just because we have to, but because we understand why it matters.

So the next time you catch yourself saying, “I should…”, pause for a moment and get curious. Ask yourself  “What do I actually want here?” and then “I want to because…”

You might discover that the motivation you’re looking for has been there all along. It was just buried underneath a pile of “shoulds”.